If Sennen and Ethan are like puppies, Ailyn is more like a cat. She mostly watches, with a certain amusement or disdain at the idiocy of the puppies. Sometimes she’ll play with them, sometimes she’ll quietly sit it out, other times they just get on her nerves and she needs to find something else to do.
All things considered, I think Ailyn is doing great and enjoying this very new dynamic as much as she can.
It helps that she genuinely likes her brother – and she genuinely likes Ethan. It’s just that when combined, SennenN’Ethan can be a lot. And far less intelligent, considerate and calm as either are individually. Also, SennenN’Ethan often act as a voting bloc – leaving Ailyn at a disadvantage to be heard and her ideas favored when they differ from, you know, SennenN’Ethan. I have to help her voice be more heard and/or make the occasional executive decision.
When writing this blog, it’s easy to seize on everything going on with the puppies because – well – there’s a lot going on with the puppies. Ailyn’s world has no less going on, it’s just not so all-over-the-place.
For the past two years, Ailyn has been with the same core group of kids and the same teacher. It so happened her fourth grade teacher, who she loves, was shifted to fifth grade. The students’ parents were allowed to choose whether or not to “loop” with Ms Boss for fifth grade. All but two did. Ms Boss was thrilled because she has said many times over the past two years, this is her favorite group she’s ever taught. Something about the chemistry of this particular group was amazing and the kids not only gelled, but showed kindness, compassion, attentiveness, support for one another, etc.
Needless to say, it was a teary farewell for all as Ailyn’s fifth grade class graduated.
Only the tears haven’t ended for Ailyn. Every time a classmate sends photos or a video – and they’re all making photo montages to share – Ailyn cries. She loves her group, she loves her teacher – and though she has no issue with Middle School per se, the loss of her school family is very real.
Ailyn correctly understands nothing will ever be THAT particular experience again.
I don’t want to downplay her experience, minimize her feelings or try to push her to focus on the next thing. Sometimes we just need a moment to take stock and grieve a loss. She is experiencing a loss.
So, we talk about how life will have many great experiences. Sometimes it’s hard to say goodbye to something really great. There will be other new, great experiences – but none exactly like the one she’s sad about. Over time, she may find some of those other great experiences fill the space and she’ll focus on them and other things she can enjoy and celebrate. Her fourth and fifth grade class is not the only amazing experience. And it’s okay to feel sad the chapter has come to close.
I’ve also done the pragmatic stuff like encouraging her to stop by her elementary school two blocks away and give Ms Boss a hug. Elementary starts before Middle School – she make it happen if she wants. She can call her friends – or message with them. She doesn’t gave to lose these people she loves.
Ailyn’s smart – she knows all of this. And she understands how moments are unique and sometimes, what’s gone is gone. The pieces are not the whole.
Thus, when the puppies play on the beach and tell her everything they have to say and think about Middle School – as they did today – she kinda’ wants to scratch their eyes out, just for a moment.
At the same time, Middle School is on Ailyn’s mind and when she can push past the sad, she can embrace what’s coming. She wants to know more and understand it. She knows something about it from observing her brother and going to Middle School events. She’s heard his stories. She’s heard my stories since I went to the very same school. And she does want her brother’s input and advice – just when he’s being more his individual self and less a part of SennenN’Ethan.
One of Ailyn’s other struggles has been Sennen not swimming as much as he has in past years. They have always spent HOURS in the sea together. Sennen claims it has nothing to do with Ethan – he just doesn’t want to be in the water quite so much. Ailyn loves the water and likes companionship when she’s swimming around. Sometimes she gets this from Sennen – and to a lesser degree me (because I’m happy in the water for shorter bursts), but Ethan is more careful with his water time because he wants to keep his eczema in check.
I have pointed out to Ailyn how in the future, when she gets to bring a friend to Patmos, she may not know how much water time that friend will want to spend. There’s a lot about our friends we don’t know – particularly how they are in other contexts.
Part of me feels badly for Ailyn that this summer is different that summers when it has been just she and her brother. I also can’t know that even without Ethan the experience this year would have been the same as last year. Every year they are different kids, each going through a variety of changes. Nothing stays the same. Though so far – and hopefully for the rest of their lives – Sennen and Ailyn’s bond is strong. While nothing stays the same, they also don’t have to complete change – they can bend and flex to weather what may come. Naturally, this is what I hope for them.
Each summer we’ve had the house, Ailyn has painted at least one painting. One of my favorite aspects of the house is that we decorate it with her art. This year, she hasn’t been enthusiastic. Nonetheless, I have persisted in reminding her and telling her how much it means to me to have her art make our home better. She went out and bought a canvas this evening after we returned from the beach.
“Little people, little problems…” my former mother-in-law used to say.
As the kids get older, the progressions is obvious. Their physical needs are simpler. They’re more independent. Their emotional needs – the waters they navigate are becoming more complex. There’s a lot going on under the surface – and sometimes the surface isn’t so calm.
For me, it’s much easier to understand puppies – maybe because I was one. Maybe because puppies are so obvious, even if they are messy and unruly.
Cats are complicated. With Ailyn, I don’t know that I always have the right response. The answers aren’t always so clear. She’s so easy a lot of the time – but I think what she needs, she needs and she isn’t going to write it on a poster for me. My go-to is to listen, validate, ensure I’m understanding, ask for elucidation, elicit all the feelings. when none of that seems enough, I default to hugs. I don’t know if it’s dismissive, or all that’s needed – but I figure feeling loved is always something.
