"You're hurting, you're in pain!" Maria said as soon as she saw it and with such heartfelt compassion. "Tell me, why does your wife want a divorce?"
I went into a brief explanation – which was a lot more than I was expecting to get into with a woman I had known for about 20 minutes. I explained that I think she just doesn't want to be married, she doesn't want the obligation – she wants to be more free.
"Well, this is just the world according to Maria, but once you have children, you're never free!" she responded and then paused. "But this, it cannot be fixed. You cannot do anything to fix it. You seem like a good person and you really love your family – so you must just do your best. It will hurt for awhile. These things hurt. But you will be okay."
I met Maria to see her house. She has an incredibly well-located and affordable house centrally located in Skala. I saw the listing – and because it was such a good price, I just had to look. It may very be that next week, either the idea will have been a passing dream for any number of reasons. But I had to know.
The realty agency had Maria show the house herself since she was on the island and most realtors have to send an agent from another island to show a property. Maria herself is rarely here – the house is a vacation property for her and her family. They live in a beautiful suburb of Athens near the beach and her boys three boys are now ages 19-24, so they just aren't using the house the way they once did. The listing had horrible photos and I half expected the house's price was so low because it was a fixer-upper. To my shock, it was not only in great shape, but much bigger, lighter and more airy – with a ton of amenities that were not listed nor would I have ever expected. Someone really screwed up her listing.
Maria spent her early childhood in Australia so her English is excellent and her house has many appliances you would not ordinarily see in a Greek home such as a dishwasher and a dryer. If she had a garbage disposal, I might heart might have given out. But the piece de resistance is the house has its own well water – which is a HUGE thing for Patmos where water is scarce and municipal water is brought in by boat – or delivered to homes by truck. Maria has turned off her valve to the municipal water supply because she has so much – and its free. When I told Michaelis at the laundry about this, he told me "this is a very big and important thing here on Patmos. This is a very great thing for a house. We have well-water here (the laundry), but even still, sometimes we have to have a truck come and deliver more when we're very busy."
Telling someone like Michaelis about this idea is very important. He's a Patmian's Patmian – dedicated to his island and family and well regarded throughout the community. If there is any dirt on anyone or anything, Michaelis is likely to know. Talking to him is like running a background check. I plan to run it by Dimitris and Nicholas who also know this stuff. Of course, Michaelis' main advice is what any American would tell you too – have the property checked out. I already know the Patmian process for this from Emily and my flirtation with buying a house here in 2019. There are two architects on the island – they double as home inspectors.
However the amazing part of the visit wasn't the house or the well-water, but that what should have been a 10-15 minute tour became an hour visit and Maria and I both felt like we made a friend.
Selling the house is hard for Maria because it's full of memories – a place she so enjoyed taking her boys every summer – and sometimes Christmases and Easters. Her husband is a cruise ship captain and is gone nine months of the year, so summers on Patmos were really just Maria and her boys. She let the boys run free in Skala. They brought friends to her yard and home. In summer, kids stay up until midnight playing. She had extra mattresses in the boys' room to throw down for any kids who ended up sleeping over and all the local families knew her. Her house was a revolving door for her kids and their friends. Until summer 2014 when her oldest was 11, turning 12.
Her son woke up in the middle of the night with terrible leg pain. It subsided in the next day or two and they finished out the summer with him a little sore, but better. Back home in Athens it started up again – and despite the initial assumption it was growing pains, it didn't go away. Finally his coach at school called her to say something was wrong with her son's leg – he was an energetic and healthy boy, but couldn't run as fast and seemed to be protecting his leg. A trip to the doctor led from test to test to the words orthopedic sarcoma.
They didn't return to Patmos for four years. The protracted battle saved her son's life, but not his leg which he lost in full. There were other costs too. Greece has free public healthcare, but like many nationalized system, it's slow. Maria regrets that two years before this happened, she and her husband decided to let go of their supplemental private insurance – feeling like young boys are healthy and the national system was fine for pediatric visits and everyday care. As Dimitris told me about his wife's breast cancer battle, it was private insurance that saved her life. He had to borrow money from a friend to keep up with the premiums, but without it, Christina would never have received the treatments she needed in time – and from the best cancer hospital in Greece, which would probably have been off-limits otherwise.
"When you show them your private insurance, instantly the hospital schedules the surgery and all the follow-up visits and treatments immediately. They are happy to help you. Without it, it's wait four to eight weeks… but every day counts when it's cancer! You can't just do that to people!" Dimitris said.
Maria took the middle road. She and her husband paid the private hospital cash to get the treatments needed immediately. It was a tremendous financial drain. The prosthesis requires replacement every six years or so and costs $50,000. She and her husband have been paying this – but one day, her son will need to carry on with this financial obligation. It's a weight around all of their necks.
"Still, I have him. He's still here with me! And he's fine! What can I say? The rest is just money. He's here and I know God was watching out for us. I am so grateful!" Maria told me.
It helps to remember there are bigger challenges out there in life. And she said so to me, reminding me that I have my kids and while it's terrible to disrupt a family – not what she would do at all – that I can recover and move on. Better yet, enjoy my kids while they're at their current ages.
"It's a perfect age – they still need you. They're sweet and fun and they still need you. My boys, they don't need me anymore! They just don't need me! I mean, they still need me (mimicking holding a cell phone)…. it's always 'Mama I need this' and 'Mama I need that' and "Mama, Mama, Mama….' But they don't really need me…."
She got calls from two of her three sons while I was there. She explained one was recently dumped by his longtime girlfriend who had decided she wanted to be free and date, party and needed out of the relationship. He's crushed because he really loved her and now he calls Maria all the time bereft. I got the feeling she kinda' enjoys it.
Maria saw my pain when after showing me the house, I explained that I'd need to get back to her in a few weeks – that I'm here on a separation and don't know what my future holds, but that I could see this being a place for me and to sometimes bring my kids. That's when she invited me to sit and we began exchanging our stories. By the end, I think she would like the house to pass to me because of my situation and kids. She would like nothing more than a new set of children running free in the neighborhood and socializing on the front lawn. It would help her to let go of something she doesn't really want to leave – just as that house might do for me.
Along the way we discussed our favorite beaches, tavernas, people around town – why we both love Patmos. I helped her understand how bad her listing photos were. She told me how she became friends with everyone in Skala. She said that men often do very badly on their own and how would I feel not being married. I told her I do well with time and space to myself. She said she does as well – and that's probably why it's worked out so well for her being married to a ship captain who is away so much. Then she paused, thought for a moment, smiled and said, "Maybe that's why we're still married…. maybe if he had been around more we also might be divorced…."
When it was time to go, she gave me a long hug, held my hands, looked me in the eyes, smiled and told me it was all fine – I would be just fine and that she can see I'm a great father. I'll do fine. And that we each just made a friend and that whatever I decide on the house, we'll talk again.
Then a son called and I took my leave.
I may or may not ever get that house. It probably doesn't make sense. Yet I'm so glad I went to see it and meet her.
I reflected later that there's a part of me who hates being on the receiving end of someone's love and wisdom. I want to be strong and well composed enough to not have my pain seen and not receive what Maria gave. I prefer to be the one in Maria's position – sharing love, support and wisdom as I can.
Then I realized – it's okay to receive what you need and it's a mitzvah to let someone else be in that giving position. Giving is a sort of medicine too. How wonderful it must have been for Maria to tell the story of her son from the rearview mirror and to have distilled it into some comfort and wisdom. Her son, by the way, is now a successful Paralympic cyclist who makes money riding and competing and also participates in charity events. He called her that day after finishing a ride from Thessaloniki to Athens to raise money for the Children's Cancer Hospital in Athens. Maria was beaming with pride as she told me.
Aside from helping me imagine all of life's possibilities for myself, it was a wonderful reminder that there are people who are filled with love, joy and share. I feel like there was a time in my life when I knew and enjoyed more of them. Where have they been? Or maybe where have I been? And why do I have so many people in my life who aren't that?
Sennen recently had an issue with a friend in his class. The boy moved into the neighborhood and joined the class mid-school-year. Sennen immediately liked him, which is rare. They began having playdates and Sennen really liked his new friend until the boy started becoming a bit wild when they played and hurt Sennen a few times – throwing a ball too hard, slamming him on the trampoline – all things that seemed more out of control than intentional.
Two weeks ago at recess this friend "turned on us" in Sennen's words. The boy began punching and kicking Sennen and three other boys – purportedly for no reason. Sennen and two boys had to help defend another classmate who was pushed down to the ground and getting kicked. While I had trouble imagining this boy just snapped like a pitbull and suspected there was more to the story, Sennen stuck to the fact that the kid just lost his shit unexpectedly. The best evidence of that is the boy who was rescued – he's a very sweet and mild mannered kid. It would be hard to imagine a scenario in which he would have provoked such a reaction. Sennen's friend ended up going to the Principal.
Last week, the friend walked up to Sennen and asked him if he wanted to feel what a shot felt like. Sennen said no, he didn't. The boy went ahead anyway and pinched Sennen so deeply and hard he cried – and left a bruise that still hasn't gone away. Again, he went to the Principal's office.
I asked Sennen if he still felt this kid was his friend. Sennen didn't know. He wasn't sure how to classify the situation. The boy was normal nice and fun – but has these moments that are either mean or dangerous. I reminded Sennen that friends don't hurt each other or make each other afraid. I named three other of his friends and asked him if he could imagine them hurting him or making him wonder if they were good to be around. He said no. I asked him why he was still considering being friends with this kid that has hurt him a few times now. He said that some classmates told him he didn't have enough friends – so he's been trying to be friends with more people.
I remember that from elementary school. Sennen and I are a lot alike and White Oak is a fairly small elementary school – with half as many students as the district's largest and about 200 students less than the average. While this is one of its strengths in several regards, if you're a little different, you don't have a large pool of kids to navigate. Sennen has about four or five really good friends - but unfortunately most of them are in a different class this year, which was especially challenging since the first half of the school year the classes had to play separately from each other. Sennen has had to learn to make friends with kids that are less likely candidates for him – which is valuable. In the end, he's not a kid who is going to run with a large pack – at least not in elementary. Middle school was good for me socially and probably will be for him too.
I told Sennen there is nothing wrong with having a few very good friends. What matters in life isn't how many friends you have but the quality of the people in your life. Sennen should feel good that he has his group of friends who really like him for who he is and vice versa. They're smart, good kids – and he shouldn't feel like he needs to be friends with anyone who isn't a real friend in return. I could see that helped him – because he wants to let go of this boy, but felt like he couldn't afford to shed "friends".
Some people thrive off having larger numbers of shallower friends – or friends of different depths. Emily is that way – she enjoys a broad social life as much or more than a deep one. The older I get, the more I feel that good friends are amazing – and all I want. I don't have enough time and energy to waste on anyone that doesn't add depth to my life. Sometimes I wish it were easier to find the quality people I enjoy – but I have a surprising number of them already and do my best to maintain my friendships. The people who matter most don't need to live down the street.
Maria was a great reminder that interesting cool people come to Patmos – and to many places. Great people can be lurking around the corner when you least expect them. There are many amazing people left to meet in life and if I put myself out there – and am ready to recognize them and be open – I might even have a wider circle of them still. There is no need to settle for anyone who "turns on you." Real friends, real relationships are out there to be found.
