My So-Called Goldilocks-Sized Life

After a few days of my being back, Christos my neighbor and operator of Cafe Mostra in front of my house finally asked me in the Greek-lish we seem to have between us where "the woman" was – meaning Michelle my former girlfriend who was here this past summer and winter.

I explained in our strange gesticulating method that we aren't together anymore and it's just me until the kids come. 

Christos laughed and in one of his clearest English statements said, "This is very good!" followed by something, something, then "Just you!" with a big thumbs up and a pat on the shoulder. I took from it – because there's a lot of subtext in how it's all delivered – that having some time without a woman is a nice thing and he kinda' wishes he could have a few weeks to chill. Two years ago, Christos was very supportive about the divorce too. He's kind.

Not only do people like my kids a lot, but being a single-dad gets me a lot of street cred here on Patmos. Being a good parent matters here – and not in the Whole Foods/Mommy Blog kind of way where you need to know the latest theory or product – but just being present and good with your kids. I think I win because I give my kids freedom, they're polite and I'm with them a lot. A winning trifecta for Patmos.

I get asked all the time where my kids are and once people know they're not here, when will they be?

The fact that I'm now pretty well known and that "good dad" is part of my reputation helps a lot when I'm alone. I'm very aware that 47 year-old white guy who lives alone is a concerning demographic. It's basically the first criterion in a screener to see if you might be a crazy gunman. This is specially true since Patmos isn't a singles-market. There's no real reason for a single middle-age foreigner to be here. If I was on Mykonos or even Rhodes, there would be more of a place for my demographic.

But I have kids – I had a girlfriend last summer – I've been labeled safe by the locals. 

Being alone here for this length of time definitely makes for a different summer than either of the two before. I have more bandwidth for writing, projects, work. I am able to accomplish things I've been saving for this time – and that's fantastic. If I have a plan for the day in my head, I can change it on a moment's notice. I cook more, get takeout sometimes and if I eat out, it's usually lunch. I try to fit in both yoga and a swim each day. Sometimes I only get one. 

Unlike two years ago, if someone says they're going to work on my house or we have an appointment for something related to the house, I tell them to text me when they're coming. I had a lot of days waiting around for no one before. It has made my life much better. 

When something doesn't work out – like it turns out the kitchen garbage cans I ordered from Amazon were WAY smaller than I thought – I don't sweat it. I know where I can buy them locally. I was just hoping for a better price from an off-island market. Now I understand the reason the price was so much better was because the garbage cans were so much smaller. Gotta' scrutinize metric measurements more closely.

At home, when I don't do yoga I usually notice my stress and anxiety levels are higher. Here, yoga feels nice when I do it – but doesn't make as much of a difference. The yoga highs aren't as high, but likewise the non-yoga stress doesn't build.

Here my work hours are late afternoon and nighttime. So a lot of times, I'm busy in the evenings. But when I'm not – like the weekend – I don't mind staying in to write or watch a movie. This is time for me and I really like my sofa, TV here and lighting here – so why not enjoy my house? I haven't really done that myself before.

Of course there are trade-offs. It's fun showing someone around Patmos. There are a lot of nice dinner spots that really are better with two or more. I like mezzes, so having people to share a lot of small plates is way better. Most significantly, there's a comfort people have with a couple. Greeks – like Americans – celebrate couples more than they celebrate singles. "You're such a cute couple!" "So great to meet you! (to the one being brought around). We like and support romance and partnership. It makes sense – couples and families are the building blocks of a society that plans to stick around.

Being here alone means I'm missing out on the couples club this year. Which has some drawbacks. Although again, I wasn't able to be nearly so productive when Michelle was here. But it was fun. Trade-offs.

Coming back to the same place at regular intervals is a great way to benchmark oneself. I'm at a distinctly different place than I was either of the last two summers. I'm more grounded, less fragile. The first summer, I was still trying to piece my world together and figure out how to improve this house. The second I was wondering where a new relationship might go, worrying about work and money, winding up as Temple President (at a turbulent moment) and still finishing up the house.

This year, I can say I'm fine. Not every wound has healed. My life doesn't all make sense to me still. But a lot of things do – certainly a lot more than two years ago. More than anything else I've experienced, the divorce felt like it derailed my life – like I thought I knew where I was heading. Then suddenly, someone switched the tracks and I didn't know where I was or where I was going.

I still don't know where I'm going – but then, we never really do. It's just sometimes we feel we do. I certainly felt I did before 2022. Now I have a good sense of where I am what the next step or two in the journey might be. I am neither completely free nor do I enjoy the security of partnership – and I really struggled with that. Only I'm reconciling myself with what exists and finding patience for not knowing what comes next.

Being in Patmos tamps down the noise in my head. My house reflects me. The blue floor tile in the kitchen and hallway make me happy. The soft glowing lights in my living room at night are calming. Sitting at the patio table in the early evening, drinking kombucha feels balanced. When I'm here – I feel present and that this is the right place to be, especially when the kids are with me.

I can't go out for Thai – or anything Asian. My shopping choices are more limited in almost every category. Amazon ships packages here, but it's slow and a pain in the ass. No one or two day delivery to my door. Life is simpler and in some ways, I am less enabled to have or do whatever I want. 

That begs the question – what is it I want that I don't have here? When my kids are here, then there isn't much. Maybe Thai food…. and some of my favorite people. 

I suppose the primary value of my time here alone this summer – aside from the writing and other projects I'm able to accomplish – is getting a sense of who I am at this point. It's easy to look back and see who I was in the summers of 2023 and 2024. Fortunately, I continue to evolve. I've had some pain, joy and opportunities to learn and grow. I've taken some – and maybe passed or failed at others. Still, I have passed the threshold of feeling like I'm keeping things taped together – telling myself and others that things were alright because I needed to – otherwise they wouldn't have been.

Neither my house nor my life here are big. They're Golidlocks size. Nothing I had imagined for this time in my life – but absolutely right for where I find myself. 

These few weeks to myself are a gift. I get to live a little on my own terms – be me without compromise and unapologetically. I get to make progress where I want – take stock of where I am, where I've been traveling and maybe where to go from here.