At the end of 2023, the startup I was working on fell apart. We were close to launching our product – which was technically challenging to build and our primary investor/majority owner/my business partner and employer – was….volatile….to say the least. When a cascade of events and thoughts led to a crisis that ended the business, it left a host of new problems from how to ethically wind-down, dealing with creditors, getting people paid, getting my own final pay. We entered receivership which addressed many of these issues – not always in a way that felt good – but it was also the most responsible and best vehicle for the situation.
Add in that it was in the midst of the divorce – and it was a VERY stressful time.
Some of the legal and financial issues are still being resolved in court and have been an annoyance and source of periodic stress for 2.5 years now.
I have learned many lessons in these past few years one of which is I’m glad I didn’t become a lawyer because the conflictual nature of the law is out of keeping with the nature of someone who really wants harmony and positive connection. Lawsuits and divorces are like waking up and drinking a glass of poison to start the day.
I have also come to appreciate the full value of the Maya Angelou quote, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” So true.
Some of my biggest mistakes have come from ignoring things I didn’t want to be true or thought I could work with, or manage. I also came to realize sometimes I did this because I undervalued myself. Other times from fear. And still other times because I wanted something so badly, I was willing to so against my better judgment. You could call it greed or determination – or maybe both.
There are countless quotes about how failure is the fertilizer to success. Failure is necessary. It’s how we grow. It doesn’t have to be shameful and well all have to overcome it. True.
But it’s hard to be in it.
One of the most challenging parts is sifting through the story – and yourself – to find the right narrative. Are we defending our injured egos? Beating ourselves up? Taking valuable lessons? Coming to the wrong conclusions? Making sense of a moment is serious, confusing and very important work. What makes it even more critical is frequently, the narrative we build in the wake of a moment is the one that sticks – we don’t often return, reevaluate – ask ourselves if what we took from a situation was the best or right or useful lesson. Life moves too fast, is too overwhelming to go back and rethink our narratives – and since we build on top of them, the way ancient cities like Jerusalem, Athens and Rome do – our entire future is shaped by the conclusions we come to after any life event – especially failures.
Some people are amazing. They have a strong sense of self – or a really weak one – and decide an adverse moment doesn’t mean that much. They’re going to keep on trucking and next time will be different. Often, just in the randomness of life it is – maybe because the adverse event was just a perfect storm or because we don’t necessarily walk back down the same street again.
Me, I question and reflect a lot. A failure is a major shock and I go through something akin to the stages of grief. Only, the loss of a person is more concrete. I am not responsible for my father’s muscular dystrophy, stroke no one knew about or diastolic heart failure. Had I done a much shittier job than I did in his final few months, the outcome wouldn’t have been much different.
Would the business have succeeded had I made some different choices? Should I have just left it when I first wanted to eight months earlier? Was there some angel investor I didn’t think of or could have courted better? Should I have taken the idea to someone else rather that get into bed with someone I had concerns about from the get-go? Should I have just kept the nice, stable job I already had when I met him? Should I have spent less on developers and let the project go slower, but keep costs down on a monthly basis? Should I have doubled down and spent more to accelerate our progress – brought in more developers working around the clock? Should I sooner have cut bait on the first team of developers we used that didn’t perform the way we wanted?
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about all of this. In which ways should I hold myself responsible? What was it about me that caused me to make the wrong – or at least suboptimal – call? The answers I conclude are likely to shape my future decisions and choices. They affect how I see myself.
Oddly, the lawsuit related to my employment contract, final pay and severance – which I often considered abandoning – helped me get some clarity around my questions. There’s nothing like hearing someone else’s narrative to help you sort out your own. I realized if a judge didn’t find my way, which reasons would make sense to me – which I could accept because they were true or true enough. The other side also told a lot of stories that helped me see what was blatantly untrue. So, strangely, there was a non-monetary value to the lawsuit which beyond helping me clarify my narrative also led me to stand up for my principles in a situation where it might have been worth letting them go. My friend Barrett kept encouraging me by saying if you don’t stand up to a bully, they just keep on bullying.
Reconciling a divorce and business failure at the same time was not easy. I’m grateful for therapy, friends and family. I’m not sure I’m done sorting it all out.
For me, the trickiest part is I’m able to look at a situation from many perspectives – which only makes the takeaway narrative even harder to identify. We all develop narratives for many reasons: self preservation, quick answers, introspection, manipulation, loving support. Some narratives are assigned to us because they fit someone’s agenda. Sometimes we believe them. Other narratives are given to us with love to make us feel better – but they may not be completely honest. And all narratives operate within the context and worldview of their author – who may or may not have the most relevant perspective.
All of this to say, it’s really hard to get to the bottom of things. It takes tenacity to learn the right lesson – if you even really want to.
One of my favorite phrases I’ve adopted over the past few years is “We don’t know that.” I say it to my kids often and I’ve noticed it enter their lexicon. There’s a lot we don’t know and we should be careful the conclusions we come to and the narratives we weave.
At the same time, we can’t be paralyzed with indecision and lack of clarity. You can’t spend years neurotically looking at an event or problem from every angle, trying to figure out what to derive. Life is short and sometimes we have to settle on something that makes sense, pick ourselves up, move on and hope we got what we need to do better next time.
These past few days since arriving on Patmos alone, I have been playing with perspectives – what’s the right way to look at this time. Should I be as productive as possible. Without the kids here, without routine, with no commitments or expectations, I could get busy and work on my Singapore book on which I keep making only small dents. I could work on an app I have been considering for more than a year – a side project with the potential to be something really great. I could make a lot of calls and visit more with the people I haven’t for the past half year. Relationships require maintenance and in many cases, I’ve been neglectful.
Or, I could lean more towards self-care for a month. Do more yoga, reading and swimming – less stuff that requires a screen and keyboard. I could decide it’s been a helluva’ past half year which sat on the outside of a helluva’ few years before it and calm my nervous system, reset. Maybe the best path is to invest a month in talking to people I see more than to people far away and to be present in a way my body almost craves.
Both narratives make sense.
In which way do I get more out of a month? In which way do I waste it?
Or maybe I need to divide the question? Be like Solomon and split the baby?
Two weeks of productivity and two weeks to bring down my energy and reset before the school year? Sometimes I forget that a month away is a lot of time to most people and usually two weeks is a sizable vacation.
It’s not often I solve a problem while writing a blog post.
Still, I think I’m just trying to trust myself again. It would be nice to say a few bad things happened in short proximity and sometimes that just happens in life. Which it does. It also feels irresponsible to externalize things to that degree. Even when there’s an earthquake – there’s still the fact you bought a house in an earthquake zone and whether or not you had adequate insurance in play. We usually have some part we’ve played.
I’m just hoping to learn – honestly and correctly – from mine.
