I have a lot of memories from Middle School. They were important years and there was a lot going on – as there is in Middle School. Because Sennen (and this coming school year Ailyn) attends the same school I went to, I’ve had even more memories triggered both from being on campus and hearing Sennen’s stories.
So, I have felt that, as parents go, I have a decent understanding of the Middle School experience and corresponding compassion for my son. I’d like to think that’s true.
These past 2.5 weeks have given me a rare window into a thirteen-year-old’s world. Because Ethan is with us, he and Sennen talk a lot about the things most on their minds, which in and of itself tells me a lot. Then they share stories and perspectives. I’ve been surprised and a little honored they have been as open in front of me as they are. I like to think it’s because they trust me and that I’m not judgy.
Sometimes I can’t help but offer them a perspective, but I try to keep it in the form of an offer and not a parental freak-out or commandment – except when it comes to energy drinks. Ethan likes Monster and I have hit the subject hard, explaining why they might as well smoke or drink drain cleaner.
I have learned – or maybe just been reminded of a lot.
For one thing, I forgot how many influences and paradigms thirteen-year-olds are sorting through.
They want to emulate their parents. They want to reject their parents. They want to impress other kids – and they know other kids are just as confused and often don’t have their best interests at heart. They want acceptance and to be unique. They know enough about sex and drugs to be dangerous and not enough to really know what they’re talking about. Music is very important – and of course an important social categorization. We’re at the beginning of the age when the music you listen to defines who you associate with and your social standing.
Sometimes, the boys are going to do whatever it is they’re going to do. Other times, they’re very interested in what I have to say and want to learn. These two, in particular, are smart – both intellectually and in their awareness that they really don’t know what they’re doing yet. While it’s cool to ignore adults in one respect, they don’t mind absorbing anything useful and at times, they deem me very useful. I appreciate how they know they don’t need to reinvent the wheel all the time.
Sennen is not a major risk taker – so I can’t tell if that restrains Ethan or if Ethan is smart enough on his own to keep his risks within a certain category. He always wants to go cliff-diving and I always tell him not on my watch. I’m returning Ethan to his parents in one-piece and not paralyzed. If they want to break him, that’s their business. He doesn’t love that answer – but I suspect the request is most of the game. He may take more risks in sports or climbing fences that Sennen, but he’s no idiot. Sounding like a daredevil is cool. So is saying he wants to fly F-35’s.
We’re absolutely crossing the threshold of deep interest in girls. The boys identify girls who are “hot.” Today “black bikini” as she’s labeled is their favorite on Kampos beach. She’s about their age, Greek – maybe from Athens – and doesn’t seem aware of them. The keep whispering about her and daring one another to talk to her. Meanwhile, “sea lion” – the new name for “Hot girl with the short black pants” of the other night who earned the new label because they heard her laugh and it sounds to them like a sea lion – is also at the beach. She seems to speak English with some kids and may be naturally bilingual, perhaps with parents of different nationalities. Having ascertained she speaks English and is sitting not far away from us at the beach, Sennen has especially been encouraging Ethan to talk to her. Despite Ethan’s posturing, he won’t do it – or hasn’t yet. It seems possible Ailyn might come to his rescue by striking up a conversation, but I haven’t seen it come to pass yet.
Two days ago at Pleiades, there were three or four girls in bikinis in the 16 to 18 range. Greek, likely local. The boys’ eyes were locked on to these girls. At one point, they asked Ailyn to give them space to be able to converse between themselves. On the way to the car, after a final gawk, they timidly asked Ailyn, “Do girls wear bras under their bikini tops?” To which Ailyn of course said “no” and they boys began whispering to one another again.
Both boys check-in regularly with friends back home – sometimes mutual friends, sometimes separate ones. I hear stories of this one having a crush on that one – and two friends whom they both know, a boy and a girl, telling each other “I love you” by Snapchat. “It took them long enough!” Ethan exclaimed. I pointed out these two people have known each other about three weeks. “Well, yeah, you have a point.”
Crushes, great loves, having “exes” seem to cycle through in days to weeks. Love and dating are like dressing up dolls and seeing what different outfits look like.
Today I asked Sennen how his friend Leo’s summer is going. Sennen said he had no idea. I asked, “Don’t you and Leo talk online regularly?” “Yeah, all the time.” “But you don’t know?” “No, not really.” “How is that?” “We just tell jokes and laugh about things.”
Fair enough.
In another sense, thirteen-year-old boys are like puppies. They play, share screens, tease each other lovingly, physically lean on each other, wrestle, tickle, roll in the sand, shove, throw balls, play, eat (often), laugh, whisper, swim and most recently – stick their own feet in their mouths. At least these two boys fundamentally are on each other’s team and support one another. Before leaving the house in the evening, they help one another maximize his style – hair, clothes, fragrance. They are deeply kind to one another.
Sometimes the boys talk about the friends they miss at home, how they’re so happy to be done with school, how they miss school because they miss their social worlds. They want to be here, there and everywhere. I think if they could have all their school friends here on Patmos and hang out everyday – no teachers or classes involved – they would be thrilled.
Both boys talk about how busy they sometimes are – and how they both like it and don’t. Their school years are full of activities and engagements. What adult can’t relate to loving the things we do and hating the accumulated feeling of them sometimes? I forget that holds true of eighth-graders.
Sometimes Ethan wants to present himself as a “bad boy” and brags about getting detentions and not conforming. But he also wants to be seen as smart, helpful and a solid kid (which he is). As independent and nonchalant as Ethan sometimes likes to portray himself. he also can’t wait to call his parents at night. Sennen, for his part, likes to show off his command of curse words and knowledge of sex and drugs – some of which he recently acquired through sex education taught at the end of seventh grade. He came home with a lot of questions and I answer them appropriately.
Ethan clearly admires to idolizes his dad – a Captain in the US Navy. Ethan knows everything there is to know about vessels, aircraft, strategies and wants to attend the Naval Academy, just like his dad did. Sennen wants to be a chef at the moment and recently came up with a plan to get an associates degree from culinary school and then complete a bachelors in business at a four year college so he can have two valuable credentials in one four-year trajectory. But Sennen wants to be different things on different days including his recent dream of being a deck hand on the local day boat. Or buying a restaurant here on Patmos like immediately and going to school here so he can run his restaurant. How that squares with missing all his friends at home, I don’t know. I believe he’ll change what he wants frequently as he encounters new topics and kinds of learning.
The boys are processing so many inputs and influences. It’s a lot to sort through and gauging others’ reactions in one way they go about it.
Because these kids are smart, articulate and know a lot, it’s easy to forget how also timid and vulnerable they are. They straddle the line between child and teen. They want to be more proficient in things they aren’t necessarily ready for and also to feel protected and safe at home. Most importantly, they don’t want to be seen as babyish or unsophisticated, though they are. They’re fine to tease each other about where they aren’t so suave – but only among themselves. There’s a lot of posturing and image cultivation in front of their target audiences.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to see Sennen and a close friend in this way. It confirms what I knew and perhaps didn’t know as well as I thought I did.
For me, some of my closest friendships today trace back to Middle School. There’s a way we know the people with whom we walk the long road to adulthood that’s different than the friends we make later. I feel like I know the core of my friends that go back that far, even if we see each other less and share far fewer experiences today.
I hope for Sennen and Ethan they find a way to keep what they have. They are two well suited friends who share some wonderful core traits and values. We can’t always carry those relationships for the long-haul. But sometimes we can to one extent or another. Perhaps this time in Patmos will help them. However it works out, I’m rooting for them – individually and as a pair.
