If someone asked me what my superpower is, I might answer “breezing through an airport.” Today at the Bradley Terminal at LAX I went from front door to lounge in 25 minutes. Thank you status and TSA Pre-Check.
The 36 hours on the ground on this side of the ocean felt like a waking dream. I got a lot of odds and ends done, supported the kids through re-entry, slept fairly well and then it was done. It was like being home, but not.
It was weird to be without Ethan. We said goodbye after getting our bags at LAX and handing him over to his grandpa. Still, after after give 4.5 weeks, he was part of us. Then suddenly he wasn’t. I kept wondering if he used his eczema lotion enough and hoping he wasn’t drinking Monster or soda. I had to tell myself those are his parents’ issues now and he’s in good hands. I thanked them for allowing us to borrow Ethan.
The kids enjoyed having Starbucks and grabbing some good food from Whole Foods. It was also hard to transition from Patmos life to Westlake. Everything was busier, noisier, less friendly. Except that Sennen managed to get four friends to come over and hang out for the afternoon. He had a great time with his crew. Ailyn wanted downtime and besides the stress of packing both for going to her grandparents’ timeshare the next day and to ensure all needed items made it to Emily’s, she mostly relaxed on the sofa, biding her time until bed.
I checked mail, ran errands, made calls, managed crazy kids in my living room, ensured everyone packed, ran a load of laundry and took care of various odds and ends needing my attention online. It was a day of nothing outstanding and yet many things – probably none of which I’ll recall by next week, let alone in a year or ten. So much of life is mindless tasks.
Everyone woke early this morning, so I took the kids to Starbucks for a last breakfast – a reward for getting their bags in order and waiting at the front doo. Then, in the hour or so before Emily picked up the kids, Sennen wanted me to sit with him, leaned on me and told me how much he liked being with me. It was very touching and of course I felt the exact same way – about both of them. Ailyn was just a little more ready to embrace what was coming next than Sennen. He expressed many times he wishes we (meaning both parents and he and his sister) could all just do all the things together. Those are the heartbreaking moments – because I can’t give that to him – and a top reason I fought for my marriage for so long. For the kids, life is always binary – a set of choices or tradeoffs. I wish it weren’t.
But given what it is, seeing them off with Emily and heading to Patmos is as good as it gets.
If all goes well, in 32.5 hours I’ll be on Patmos in time to enjoy a nice Sunday. I’ll get my motor scooter for the second half of summer and if I’m feeling it, maybe relax at Petra – my favorite place to spend a day reading and swimming.
As I think about the next five weeks, I realize in one sense they’re a blank slate – but in another, rather busy. I have no shortage of things to do with my time including work, personal projects, house projects, people to catch-up with, yoga and some time to absorb the past several months. I want to take a day or two off devices – just to get my brain back together. I want to do everything and nothing. Patmos should give me the opportunity to do both.
Five weeks is a long time to be without the kids. And I almost wonder if it’s enough time to get everything I need – especially the reflection on the past few months.
Of course, all these thoughts – anxious ones about whether there will be enough time and can I achieve my goals of being productive enough will relaxing – are very California thoughts. They’re the things from which I want more distance. Patmos makes it easier to get that space – though I haven’t figured out how to make life here work similarly. Most of Westlake life feels like a series of tasks and deliverables – even the things that ground me like yoga. It has a time needing scheduling – I get that break for the hour I do it. Sure, I get a yoga buzz for the rest of the day. But that hour with no phone, text, calls, little things I can do to ensure I have life managed…. it’s so fleeting. I still haven’t found a way to bring Patmos to Westlake and I’m coming to conclude that’s because Patmos isn’t Westlake and Westlake isn’t Patmos. Someday, I just need to make a bigger change.
So, off I go – to Istanbul, a little lounge time there, Athens and straight to the midnight ferry back to Patmos. No Gladys Knight.
I’ll likely remember along the way how life is both complicated and simple. That we have the power to make change, but sometimes feel powerless. That a night or day of talking to no one is so refreshing, yet being alone is not something healthy to sustain. I’ll think about a lot of useful and helpful things – and try to chase thoughts out of my mind as well. I’ll make the yard better, write, read, mourn, connect and disconnect. It’s everything I need to do. In five of the longest or shortest weeks ever. It remains to be seen.
