Building Bridges

Kampos Beach has nothing but swimming-pool calm water with shallow water that stretches on endlessly. I have never bothered to walk far enough to see when it becomes deep enough that I actually need to swim. That's probably why it's the beach that attracts the most families with young children. George's Cafe which inhabits the beach obviously caught on to this attraction years ago and was the first to bring lounge chairs and umbrellas to Kampos – providing wait-service to the beach in addition to its already busy patio seating. 

Nine years ago, Emily and I met families there who all made a point off coming every year to Patmos at the same time so their families – from a variety of countries – could all get together. It was a surprising revelation because we it never occurred to us that people who were not daily part of each others' lives, let along residents of the same country, would have this kind of close arrangement – and of course that captured our imagination.

Today, it's easier to understand as our kids play alongside Greek, Italian, French, Spanish, Australian, Swiss, German and American children on the same beach. After a few previous failed attempts to play with a Swiss boy and some Greek children, Emily helped introduce Sennen and Ailyn to a seven-year-old Australian girl named Raquel at a Kampos visit earlier this week. Since then, we've had several Raquel sightings around town and today, sure enough Raquel was at Kampos and made a great playmate the whole day long. 

At one point, some 10 year-old American kids ended up digging in the same right next to Sennen, Ailyn and Raquel. So, I got up, introduced everyone and suddenly, there was one larger-scale sand-fortress digging project under the direction of the older girls. The kids built a large connecting bridge between their respective sandcastle properties.

At different times, we tried introducing some Italian girls to our kids. That didn't seem to go far. At another point, two three-year-old Spanish kids pulled up next to ours and wanted to share sand toys. An older girl, perhaps an older sister, perhaps a babysitter was watching them.

"Do they speak English?" Sennen asked. 

"No, they speak Spanish," the girl explained.

"Do they speak Greek?" Sennen continued.

"No, they don't."

Sennen gave a look that said, "Well, then what good are they?" He was fine to share sand toys, but made no further effort to connect with them.

Just as in the adult world, the Anglophone kids did better with one another. And in Sennen's view, Greeks should get next priority since it's their country. Given, they also seem to make up about 50% of the tourism on Patmos right now, his odds of finding a playmate are much higher if he's open to connecting with Greek kids.

"He's from Brazil. He's been part of our family for a year and a half," we heard Sennen say to Raquel, after she presumably asked about where Matheus was today (he was there earlier this week, but was off and taking time to himself this afternoon). 

Nine out of ten times, Sennen and Ailyn will tell you we have five people in our family – Matheus is always included. When Sennen started kindergarten, he told his teacher that Matheus was his older brother. Matheus' time with us will end when our time in Greece does. The kids regularly try to convince him to stay with us forever and profess their undying love. 

The au pair program is interesting and unique. You have a young person – ages 18-26 – from another country come and live in your home for one to two years and become both a roommate and an employee. Au pairs become part of your household – but in a role unlike any other. Because the State Department lumps it with a cultural exchange and education program – it has elements of that. We're "host parents" – we have a level of responsibility for our au pair's well-being, but we're also not his parents. 

When our first au pair, Lisa arrived from Germany, it took a little time to fall into the groove of how this new kind of relationship would work. Lisa was fairly independent and often went out with her friends or took quiet time in her room when she wasn't working. We had dinners with her sometimes and had a very friendly, warm relationship. But when she wasn't working – she had more of her own thing going on.

Fast forward five years to Matheus and we have a different thing going on. Matheus takes her personal time and has his own life for sure, but he's also very integrated into our family. Both in Thailand and Greece, he's been part of the trip – and adventurer along with the rest of us. We enjoy his company and he takes pleasure in the good times and sympathizes with us during the times our kids are less than stellar. Even when he's not on duty, he'll sometimes take someone to the restroom for doodie duty. He's always a part of the team.

But what's heartwarming is the relationship he has with our children. Matheus gets hugs, cuddles, hand holding, hung on and treated like a pillow. He is one of the kids' safe people and has their total adoration. When Emily and I go out, they don't care so long as they're with Matheus. They love and trust him absolutely.

The hard part about a relationship like this is that an au pair's time ends. So, a child's heart can get hurt and it has to become adaptable. Sennen understands the impending change better than Ailyn.

"There are two reasons Matheus has to go. Reason 1 – an au pair can stay only two years, although Matheus is leaving after a year and a half. Reason 2 – Matheus' mommy and daddy miss him and he needs to see them," Sennen explained. He's very at peace with the fact of the transition, even if he periodically tries to sell Matheus on finding some way to stay.

Ailyn on the other hand, prefers to avoid facts or reason.

"Matheus, stay with me forever and ever…."

"But Sweetie, you won't need me forever and ever…"

"I will always need you, Matheus. Stay, please stay…"

Sometimes Ailyn tries to bargain down to 20 years to see if that will sell better.

But then, she's excited about the fact that our next au pair, Camila who arrives at the end of August also from Brazil, is a girl. Ailyn would love to have more girls than boys in the house and this is the silver lining to the Matheus departure cloud.

The problem we all face is that Matheus is kind, warm, caring, fun, smart, capable, loyal, loving and fits into our family perfectly. Another one ever wants to give that up. But like Sting says, "If you love someone, set them free…" Matheus' life ambition is not to be an au pair. He has many major adventures and opportunities ahead of him – and no doubt has a great life to live ahead. We can always be connected and available to him, but his time as our au pair has an end. Even if we all wish he could stay 20 years.

Of course, the amazing thing about the human heart is that love is not a finite commodity. If we allow ourselves, we can make room in our hearts and find more love whenever we want. So it was that after Jesper who was with us for two great years, we dreaded the change – now we can't imagine life without Matheus. And soon we will have Camila – and undoubtedly, our hearts can and will open some more.

Emily and I didn't realize at the time we decided to try getting an au pair that it could be so much more than an interesting and convenient form of daycare. With each au pair, our family has built links between people that transcend culture and age. Each au pair has become part of our family and even when they move on, we stay in touch – because we are always connected.

But Matheus deserves some extra special recognition because without him, this amazing summer in Patmos wouldn't work. Emily and I are working and need the support. So his role is essential. The fact that he's Matheus makes it much more than a person who helps us – and changes it into a family adventure we'll all remember. And I don't think any of us are in a hurry to get to August 15th….