Not many people will tell you they're going to Thailand because they don't connect with their house. But I will. Since moving into the very nice three bedroom, two bath family house with an independently built studio in back – two blocks from Emily's, one block from the park and kids' school – I've been struggling. Not when the kids are around – the house is made for a family and the energy and bustle of family life bring the house to life. When the kids aren't around – when I'm by myself – it feels empty and not like my house. It's a house I happen to be living in. A very nice one, just not mine.
While it's only been two-and-a-half months and there's still plenty of opportunity for me to come to terms with this new house, two-and-a-half months is a lot of time to feel disconnected at least half the time. The loneliness of it is unlike anything I've ever experienced before. Not that I haven't been lonely – only never because of a house. In fact, in past lonely periods, my home usually helped me. As a couple of friends have told me, I have a talent for picking good environments for myself. This time, I really chose for my kids and I don't regret it at all. Maybe I'll borrow from Sennen's kindergarten teacher and say that I haven't made this house my home YET.
Still, Spring Break is coming and the kids will be with Emily for nine instead of seven days. Not a particularly long time as school breaks go – but the idea of two weekends in the house alone was – at least as of a few weeks ago – daunting and depressing. I decided a refresh would be good and so between a conversation with a friend who lives in Thailand, a fantastically low airfare and JUST enough time – I decided to go.
Will it help? Who knows? But I do find getting away creates "chapters" in life and breaking things up can be useful. So can a week of Thai food, culture, beach and language.
So I'm going to Southeast Asia to hide from my house…. or maybe myself? Or maybe just to press the reset button and try again with the house from a new perspective – with a new heart. That's what I'd like to think.
Divorced life is confusing. I don't think I've become good at it yet. Not because I miss Emily, but because we built an entire life that has been fractured and what I'm left with just doesn't completely make sense to me – having my kids only half the time, living in a place I would never choose to be single, figuring out what life looks like without the connectedness of family and in an area whose definition of community isn't quite as collectivist as my own. I can only try to embrace it as a journey because most of the time I have no idea where I am, where I'm going and how I'll get there.
But I do know how to get to Bangkok. Not that my 24 year-old self who lived in there knew where he was going, but he certainly embraced the possibilities more than I do right now. He also had fewer commitments and more choices – even if his world was inherently less stable. He certainly didn't have his life mapped out – no course charted. He chose to live in the moment and have an experience that changed him.
I'm open to doing that for a week.
Maybe Thailand will be profound. Maybe it will just be a week that's different from the others – but not so different from other weeks I've had in the past? Maybe I'll just enjoy some Thai food and culture. Who knows? I'll definitely get those Macanese egg tarts at KFC – we can at least have that much assured in life.
And speaking of egg tarts, I will have a day in Hong Kong on the way home. I haven't spent any real time in Hong Kong since 2011 and had only a couple of airport-area overnights in 2016-2017. While bracing for changes that I may not like thanks to China, I'm also going in open hearted. A day walking around the most vibrant and pretty city in Asia can't be bad. I'm sure I can still find great dim sum, cheap shopping, fascinating street life and incredible views. There must still be some magic in Hong Kong.
I'll know in ten days and get back to you then.
Wheels up in two days.
