Gratitude

From poor to mega-wealthy, irrespective of ethnicity, geography, gender, sex, religion, sexuality, age and anything else you can find as a classification to divide us – we all face problems. While some traditions, Buddhist comes to mind, tell adherents to let go of their problems or put them in a certain perspective of removal, the truth is whoever we are and whatever blessings we have – it's our problems that take center stage in our minds and lives. I would be surprised if 91 year-old Warren Buffet spends his day enjoying his homes and trappings as much as he does solving the next business problem and making the next move in business. I know nothing about his family, but I would be equally surprised if he didn't have some worry for a child or grandchild – some challenge or heartache they face that also weighs on his heart. As my parents would sometimes say (this one's not always easy in the moment), "be grateful for a problem that can be solved by money."

This Saturday morning – with the winds dying down to be replaced by a solidly gray sky and somewhat warm haze all around – I slept-in, as is my Saturday morning tradition. With nowhere to be, and no one waiting for me, sleeping-in felt extra luxurious. After spending an hour in that hazy, but delicious space between sleep and waking, I opened my eyes to light streaming through the windows of the beautiful, thick-walled white bedroom with its pink-orange tile floors, blue shutters and Greek blue and gray ceiling while wrapped in light, airy linens so appropriate to Greece. What an amazing life that this is the place I found myself waking up.

The reasons for my journey are heavy and not only dominate my reflections and outlook, but keep me from allowing myself to fully enjoy what I have here. There's a part of me that feels I can't just throw myself into Patmos in the same way as other visits. I rely on the off-season weather to reenforce this notion, given it does indeed create limitations for how I can use the island.  My hope is that during these next two months, I will open up as the island does and that when Petra beach comes back to life, perhaps I will be in a similar place. Right now, business owners are busy painting, fixing, pulling out furniture and merchandise to re-open their shops and restaurants for the tourist season. That feels about right for me too.

But in focusing on my struggles, it's easy to miss what's right. First, given the situation, how many people can afford to come to Greece for their separation? Or work it out in their lives to do so? My job is portable, my boss went along with it, Emily went along with it and is taking on a lot more to allow for it. In the spirit of the upcoming Passover holiday, Daiyenu! 

I got this gorgeous apartment at a great deal – and the less exciting Airbnb I originally booked refunded me in full, although the host wasn't obligated. I'm in this nurturing apartment on this incredible island. I have all the tools and resources to live well here. The foldable, travel yoga mat our temple President – now a good friend – gave me for Hanukkah brought yoga to me in my time of need. I actually didn't know such a mat existed.

My children are healthy, fun and smart people. They are growing and thriving. Despite some occasional sadness, they are continuing to enjoy their lives and grow. I live in a time where I can not just talk to them everyday, but we can see each other and the calls are FREE (aside from the equipment itself which we already own anyway)! Our au pair, Alex is a great guy who is incredible with our kids and makes their afternoons and sometimes weekend mornings and evenings fun for them. He has them playing outside, they adore him and they are enjoying their days when their parents aren't available. After school, he uses his iPhone to make sure I can reach the kids and have our afternoon FaceTime visit. He is kind, supportive and steadfast in a time and situation many au pairs might find jarring or anxiety provoking. He adds to all of our stability and well being.

Back home, we live in a wonderful area where our kids get an excellent education with really amazing and caring teachers for free (aside from property taxes, but it's not tuition). There's a school counselor who kindly checks in with Ailyn and talks about her feelings and her teacher texted us daily – sometimes twice a day – to let us know how Ailyn was doing those first two weeks after we told the kids about the separation. After school, they play in beautiful parks surrounded by hills behind which lies the ocean. We are so blessed.

Here, roughly 7,000 miles away from home, I have friends and family who check on me everyday. In some cases, I'm enjoying visits with people I rarely have time and occasion to do at home. I feel the love and support from the people who matter to me – who I love so deeply. I find myself laughing more with them. And something that those conversations do for me – along with this blog – is remind me there are many things, including how to navigate the issues with my marriage, that I just don't know. There's so much burden in trying to know. So instead, at this point in life, I'm focusing on curiosity. What are the questions to ask? (like this one) What do I wish I knew? Is there a way to find out – even if it might be challenging or uncomfortable for any number of reasons? What can I let go? What doesn't actually matter? What does really matter? And are my assumptions about who I am correct? After all, the last time I was just me without the blessings and responsibilities of commitment, I was a different person – many steps earlier in my development.

I can also be grateful for my development. I am not static and I throughout my life I have engaged in growth. I can be more honest with myself today – challenge myself. I'm proud of that. I mess up and more or less – I'm sure there are situations I'm blind to – and own it, or at least try to own it. Owning things is so essential and hard.

Among my friendships, several are old, long-lasting ones. One of those people – he knows who he is as he reads this – believes that when two people don't have much to offer one another anymore, perhaps because of different development paths, it's okay to let go. Sentimentality is not the reason to maintain a relationship when life has limiting resources and there may be other more relevant relationships to be had at another time and place in one's journey. Given he is one of the smartest and most interesting people I know, I'm always amazed and grateful that our paths have worked out in such a way that we continue to have things to offer one another and maintain such strong bond. 

Other friendships I have are built for life. My best friend, Mazyar and I linked inextricably on the first day of sixth grade and we are more like brothers than friends. Even when we don't see each other or talk as much as I think we would both like – there is a connection that requires no words and the understanding of unlimited support for one another. We know each other completely – and we are part of each others families. That is a gift few people get in a lifetime. 

I also have family who have shown up for me. Both of my parents, my sister, my cousins, my aunt – they have said some of the words I most longed to hear during this time. And there are family members who are alive in my heart whose examples and love guide me too.

In my life, I have known the world. For me, Patmos was a choice out of a large collection of places I've been and a special group of favorites. That is a gift I have given myself. I walk the world comfortable in it – in so many different environments and cultures. There's something learned when you travel immersed in a place – not seeing it via a package tour with comfortable transportation and accommodation (not that there's anything wrong with it) – that makes you more a part of the world. While I might not want to head to Afghanistan or Ukraine right now – I can't think of too many places I wouldn't want to go or wouldn't at least be willing to try. There's so much beauty in seeing not just how our world looks in different places, but all the flavors of humanity. 

Lastly – though probably not comprehensively – whatever happens with my marriage, I have gained so much from it. Besides knowing a love I have so valued in and of itself, the love and commitment of my marriage and family have changed me in wonderful ways. I am a better, deeper and more confident person because of it all. My heart has grown. I have matured. I can adapt, relate and draw out compassion in new and more powerful ways. While I'm not so happy with her right now, Emily is a good person. She is smart, funny and in better times has been interesting and warm. She has traveled the world with me and been brave enough to continue our travel with our children – which has been a highlight of my life. On several occasions, she has gone along with some of my more daring ideas despite her better judgment – embraced being uncomfortable while putting some blind faith in me. And on many occasions, she has kept her vow to offer me forgiveness when I'm wrong or make a mistake. I can be challenging, demanding and sharp. I have defense mechanisms and fears that come leaping out at a moment's notice. Emily has dealt with those things and at earlier junctures, more lovingly. We have gone down the road of parenthood together and been partners in the amazing adventure that it is. No one could have foretold we would get a Sennen who has been such a blessing and an adventure in and of himself. And we have an Ailyn whose sweetness and incredible emotional intelligence bring such joy are warmth to our lives and family. Emily even negotiated with me extensively on her name – which took great patience and perseverance (boy names were much easier for us than girl names). 

In my life, there is far more to be grateful for than upset about. Most human pain comes from disappointment – expectations and realities becoming incongruent. The answer, of course, is to change the expectations – which are the only things we can control. But that is much more easily said than done.  In the case of a marriage, solving the expectation problem is a double-sided equation. Perhaps I can change my expectations and even try to meet yours, but can you change yours and meet mine? For a variety of reasons, the equation doesn't always balance. I don't know if that will happen with Emily and me.

Perhaps the better thing is celebrating the fact that the equation ever balanced which is challenging enough in and of itself. After all, it really has only been a few generations since most of the population really began choosing their spouses for love – and fewer still that the average person could end a marriage for any reason of their choosing. In the course of humanity, we actually don't have that much experience in making marriages work when they don't have to last.

Still with our without Emily, I have love in my life. I have love in my heart to share. I am better off than when we met. I have material stability, challenging work, opportunity in my life – and in the world. 

I am grateful.