Heaven Let Your Light Shine Down

My friend Alex once said that I have a talent for picking places to live with a view or some charm. While that hasn't been the case every time, I managed to have a view in two of my Seattle apartments. My first Singapore apartment (which I shared with friends/colleagues for much of that time) was a four-bedroom, two-story penthouse that was pretty nice and my second Singapore apartment was in a very nice condo building with a view. I loved to keep my bedroom shades open so I could fall asleep to the city outside. In Taipei, my second apartment had giant windows with an incredible view of the Danshui River as it prepares to let out to the sea. In a city and country that doesn't place much value on aesthetics in civic life, I found a spot that made life much nicer.

But the crowning jewel was always my Bali house – surrounded by rice terraces and jungle with beautifully manicured gardens throughout the compound. While the owner of the compound has continuously changed the landscaping and even the structures within it over the years such that return visits have found the house and gardens different every single time – the original configuration of the house and grounds that I knew in 2004-2006 had the best bedroom and bathroom I have ever slept in. Teak wood walls, thatched roof, views of the rice terraces, light breezes and an ante-room or the "upstairs living room" (I struggled for a term for it) surrounded on two sides by large windows that when opened let in fragrant, gentle air that itself was half the beauty of living there. And the bathroom was huge with beautiful Balinese stone tile and both a large bathtub and a gorgeous shower with a powerful hot water heater and soaps the smell of which I have only ever known in Bali.

Since then, I have enjoyed living in some very nice places and can extol their many benefits. Our house in Westlake is spacious, a great layout and in a gorgeous area that is perfect for family life. It is everything I want for my family.

But today, I woke up in another gorgeous bedroom that gives the Bali house a run for its money. While fragrant air doesn't reach in and caress me and there isn't a sense that I have stepped out of time and space like in Bali, there is the distinctive flavor of Greek sunlight pouring in the windows into a white and blue room with tile floors and the sea sparkling out the window. And not the glimpse-of-the-marina view Emily and I so enjoyed at Nicola's Studios. during our first two visits here – but a view of the big, open Aegean with a sprinkling of small islands ahead and the coast line of northern Patmos off to the left. Looking out, it is easy to understand the settings and tales of ancient Greek mythology and how Odysseus ran into the challenges of many islands and features of the sea.  The Greek understanding of ocean is one of a lot of stuff sprinkled throughout the water – many places each with distinctive qualities and cultures.

Although for the next day or two an unseasonable windy cold front will still have Greece in its grip, leaving me to stay more in my bedroom which it turns out is the only room that heats effectively (the living room and kitchen seem to be a void that the heater there just can't penetrate) – this place is a gift. It's one of the few short-term rentals/Airbnb's that actually looks exactly the way it did online (the one we stayed in here in 2019 certainly did not). But it's even more a gift because a lot of it was actually given. The owner of the property – who I now know to be Dr Odysseas (sp) because locals identify the property as Dr Odysseas' house – asked me to only pay for May's rent. March and April were free because he usually doesn't rent the place until May 1. So I got the entire 10 week stay for the price of four. Not only was it a better deal than the Airbnb I had planned to rent, but under normal circumstances I would have passed on this apartment has being too expensive.

But here I am thanks to Dr Odysseas' anonymous generosity (I only dealt with the leasing agent). And then, in a coup de gras, he changed out the air conditioner in the bedroom to a model that includes heat – so that I wouldn't be cold. Dr. Odysseas probably hasn't made much money from his property for the past two years as COVID crippled Greece's tourism and even domestic travel was at times banned such that mainland Greeks couldn't reach the islands of the Dodecanese. I know very little about Dr Odysseus other than he seems well regarded and is a family friend of Michaelis who runs the laundry, but I can pretty safely interpret him to be generous.

Generosity is important to me and one of the qualities I most admire in others. It was one of the primary lessons I took from my Bubbee (my mom's mom) who I loved so much. She embodied generosity and the positive effects in engendered were evident even to a child. While she was perhaps generous to a fault, her giving literally and figuratively fed family, bolstered community, deepened relationships and made her a force for good that the people around her recognized and cherished. Her generosity was not confined to the material – she gave of herself and in two of the most important ways: she listened to and saw people. Two of the most powerful gifts you can give.

I have sought to live a generous life. I am sure I have my failings. I'm pretty bad about remembering a lot of people's birthdays. I probably don't follow-up with friends and colleagues about their struggles and issues as much as I'd like. I wish I spent more time visiting or getting together with certain family and friends. Sometimes I'm just more mired in my own shit than I'd like. I tell myself it's endemic to my age and place in life while I quietly collect regrets.

But Dr Odysseas helped remind me – I am happy when I am generous. I love giving my time, my cooking, my money and to take the time to see people the way  they want and deserve to be seen – the way my Bubbee did.  Those moments of seeing, listening and connection are among the best life has to offer. And they are very much in my power to have and create – they just require time and the right mindframe.

One thing that went running through my mind is that were I in Dr Odysseas' shoes, I am quite sure Emily would not allow me to gift six weeks to a stranger. She might not sign-off on gifting it to a friend or acquaintance either. Generosity is one of the sore points of our relationship. Emily feels I'm too generous – even with her. Of course, she rarely refuses my generosity and in one sense values it while in another either dislikes it or even feels weighed down by it. I've come to understand that being with someone generous becomes a burden when you don't plan to readily reciprocate or pay it forward.

In consequence, I have dimmed my light. I am either more clandestine in my acts of generosity or I try to ignore her scorn and underlying disapproval, or I make the unfortunate choice to pass on an opportunity to be generous. None of these are living out loud. None are living at the register I want in life. 

Giving is not some weakness done in the attempt to be liked or needed. At least not for me. In many cases, it is an investment. Relationships of all kinds require time and consideration. Giving of one's self, giving of one's time, giving a gift or performing a thoughtful act are the soil and water that grow and sustain family, friendships and community. In Dr Odysseas' case, giving to a stranger is just making the world a nicer place and those acts of paying it forward are the acts of grace that mitigate the coldness and cruelness that humans often exhibit. We can be amazing to one another and we can be lethally cruel – and everything in between. It's up to each of us what kind of world we want to live in and even in small ways, we can better it.

I want to better it and I want the freedom, if not the support to do so. I want the freedom, if not the support to be me and engage and grow that part of myself.

In the end, perhaps the real gift Dr. Odysseas gave me was this realization that living at a higher register is important to me and that whatever comes next, it's something I shouldn't have to hold onto and defend as I have been doing these past years – but something to unashamedly grow.