Midlife

"Are you satisfied with your life?" a friend recently asked me.

"No! Absolutely not," I blurted out. I'm living a life that is shaped in large part by the fallout of the divorce. It's not the life I would choose for my single-self but it's thee life that for now keeps me with my kids as much as possible  - and by most measures is not at all shabby. I live in a beautiful, safe and pleasant are that attracts lots of educated people and their families. I grew up there – it's as familiar as the back of my hand and chock full of memories. Yet I still struggle because oddly enough – take away the marriage and half the time with my kids – and it hasn't yet felt like MY life. 

I knew the question went deeper because the asker is in a good marriage and situation he fully embraces. He meant do I find meaning in what I'm doing? Is it fulfilling?

That's still a "no" and I know because I have thought a lot about it too. So often we find work that suits our abilities and makes use of the education most of chose in our late teens and early twenties. If we find something we're good at – maybe even makes us happy – and makes us the money we need to build the life we want, we're lucky and we go forward. It's a blessed path.

Only sometimes, for some people, when you have enough of what you want materially and you have a handle on your career, you wonder what value you're serving? Toss in a life event like a loss, health scare, a pandemic…. and maybe the questions multiply or deepen.

These are quintessential questions for midlife and for some are the seeds of midlife crisis.

Most of my friends have been asking some version of these questions. Maybe because of their socioeconomic bracket or upbringings, or just the nature of the people I choose and who choose me, they remain dedicated to their spouses, families and the lives they've built. They're just looking to either add something or make some professional changes that lead to doing more personally fulfilling work. Something that feels less like exclusively producing economic value and more something that positively affects others. Maybe, if we're really honest, something that leaves a legacy – because well, it's midlife.

My friend who asked has a great career and is a skilled strategist, manager and communicator across multiple languages. He's brilliant, funny and could turn his formidable skills towards many things. Perhaps that's just working for himself, building a business he believes in, capitalizing on his own assets. Or it could be taking on volunteer work. Or doing what several friends have been exploring – finding hybrids of socially beneficial for-profit work. There's nothing saying you can't turn a profit and produce positive social benefit – just ask a doctor.

I have been considering the same thing. I know how I successfully make money. In fact, I'm fortunate enough to have had a few careers in my life and used different skills in different ways – which has been great. I know there are several things I could do and enjoy – which gives me confidence to pivot again if I want or need. Most of us can identify problems to solve, gaps in the market, ways the world could be better. Often I think I can and should find a way to take those on without creating too much short-term upheaval to my life. I have to pay the bills still, but there are ways to get from one place to another intact.

Traditionally legacy has often come through children and businesses that survive their founders. Perhaps in a world of longer lifespans and increasingly large, consolidated corporations – there's less room for family and the family business to fill an entire life. When my kids are out living their lives – God willing great ones – there has to be something for me that makes the days worthwhile. 

Undoubtedly my major midlife regret is not taking one of the graduate school paths I might have enjoyed. Had I become a diplomat or a psychologist, I may have already been doing the kind of meaningful work I crave now. Even my brief and fleeting initial career path of newspaper journalism had an element of social contribution and certainly fed into legacy.

Another approach I've known several people including myself to take is trying to make significant money at something lucrative, but not necessarily personally fulfilling in order to gain the resources to then shift to doing something meaningful without as much concern for money. For the past couple of years I worked for a serial entrepreneur on several of his businesses. One was a SaaS product based on an idea of mine and I even invested in it. Sadly, we didn't get to launch before he ran into financial difficulties that ended the business abruptly. My hope had been to do what I had been doing successfully to catapult myself into a situation where my paycheck mattered less.

Certainly these are first world problems and musings. My friends and I are fortunate enough to have good lives and careers – educations and experiences that enable us to make big life decisions and most importantly the ability to even contemplate what we want among the many option life allows for us. Many people are happy to have any job and pleased when they keep a roof over their heads, food on the table and stay safe. My crowd is blessed to live higher up Maslow's Hierarchy.

That said, even John D Rockefeller had problems. If you're blessed with the means to do something with your life and you don't, that's failure. In fact, Rockefeller may have been as successful a philanthropist as he was a titan of industry which makes his legacy incredibly interesting and complex.

Interestingly, each of my friends wrestling with these questions of meaning and purpose seems to have different ideas about what they might do – which makes sense based on their varying talents, experiences, families and geographies. Most – myself included – evidence a desire to take on the next phrase with someone. Making a big leap is less scary in good company and with a team to expand skillsets and buffer risks. All of the friends I know contemplating a change are amazing people – with any of whom I'd be really lucky to team up. Who knows if in the end I'll collaborate with anyone, but at least I know I'm far from alone in the journey.

Right now I have pieces of things I believe will be important along the way: my home on Patmos, writing, some ideas for nonprofits, some good business ideas and people whose advice and input I value. Any number of things could happen including something I can't yet foresee or imagine. Life always has possibilities, takes twists you don't expect and is never as solid and predictable as you think.

All of that to say, I haven't figured out how to answer my midlife questions yet, but I'm also neither ignoring them or taking a passive stance. Something is coming.

I hope and expect the same is true for my friends.

As we end 2024 I can say in many ways I'm better off than in 2023 and certainly than 2022. They've also been challenging years in which there has been a lot of heartache, adaptation and personal growth. In 2025, I wouldn't mind things being a little easier…. but also more meaningful. If the divorce provides me anything positive, it's more opportunity to navigate life on my own terms. Might as well use it.

And to my friends  - those mentioned (and you know who you are) and those not – and family, thanks for being part of my life and for everything you add to it. I hope everyone has the 2025 they want and even more, the 2025 they need.