Somewhere between Zurich and Athens, the muscles of my neck and shoulders began to loosen and things began popping. I wasn't thinking about anything particularly calming and nothing had really changed – expect I was on the second leg of the journey and tipping more into my new - albeit temporary – life than my old. All the stuff I've been carrying – well, I don't have to carry it in quite the same way for awhile. And that seemed to have hit my body.
This was my first international flight alone in almost 12 years and the first intercontinental one in almost 15 years. No one else's questions, needs or feelings to consider. Getting through airports was a breeze. Sure, the lower travel volumes of COVID played a part in the ease of transit – but so did not having to count how many bags we have or how many people, or figuring out checking in strollers and car seats (that was only one trip to Bali and I still feel the car seat was over the top). It was just me – experienced traveler – deftly navigating airports, carrying nothing by a small backpack (I believe in check-in) and using the restroom easily, when I wanted to. In this sense, it was a nice travel day.
Of course, the sense of why I was going and the feelings went with it were ever-present. It was the actualization of the big gamble – the test of what happens next. Despite the physical destination being familiar, it is going into the unknown. Naturally, my brain periodically started sorting through thoughts and feelings, trying to solve the puzzles and crack the codes – trying to come up with what the right decision or path is.
But that's the very thing I'm trying to stop doing. It's all the working on it that isn't helping. I could map out a flow chart of all the thoughts, feelings, factors, potential outcomes and their consequences. My brain is like a war room and that needs to stop in order to come to what really works.
As I explained to a couple of friends the other day, I chose Patmos to be like my computer glasses. I am blessed with 20-20 vision, but a few years ago I found my eyes strained at work and thought maybe it was my eyesight changing. The optometrist told me that my vision was fine, it was just too much staring at a computer screen. He gave me glasses with a very mild prescription that cause the eye muscles to relax a little without changing my vision. And that is what I want from Patmos – and believe it can give me: the ability to see without all the strain and focus.
Other things will also present themselves – the kids' feelings, Emily's feelings, my feelings. Things that time and distance will inevitably affect and in ways we may not yet imagine. This time is also an experiment.
The mundane-ness of the travel was itself a relief. While after a year and a half of couples' therapy, I have to acknowledge that the following is my perception or as Cynthia our therapist would say, my "read on the situation" – in the days preceding my departure, Emily seemed to be seething under a calm surface – a trademark approach when she either doesn't want to discuss a situation or when what she feels isn't necessarily what's fair or right to share. So there was much left buried and untouched – the signatures of her blaming me for our children's – and mostly Ailyn's – feelings because I chose to go to Greece instead of do a separation living down the street and swapping in and out of our house every three days. Emily and her parents believe I am abandoning the kids – which means all of the kids' negative emotions can be pinned on me as if a trial separation wouldn't get sadness and upset no matter how we did it. I actually don't think their feelings would be less or better if we did it Emily's way – but that's something that can only ever be conjectured. All that to say, my "read" is that there was a lot of anger and blame being held just below an absurdly calm surface.
Ailyn did not keep an absurdly calm surface. During the last hour before I left, we cuddled on the sofa. She was sad, and happy, and laughed and cried. We talked about my leaving and about all kinds of other things. But she held tight to me throughout. And at one point, Sennen even cuddled a little too. When it was finally time to go, Ailyn cried, she hugged me and then when I almost said goodbye from the front door, she insisted on walking me to the car and seeing me off at the sidewalk with one more giant hug – and the grace to then let me get in, which was obviously hard for her. Leaving was so hard.
Which may be why nothing else fazed me thereafter. My dinner was blah. I flew Swiss and they seated 10-across the economy section of a 777-300ER whereas Singapore seats only nine (it's hard to go from Singapore to anything else). The lady next to me was a little obsessed with some issue on her foot. It was all fine. Even the boring Germanic airline food. The main thing is it all went smoothly and the transition to this new transition began.
There are all kinds of little travel details I could share – humorous anecdotes and observations that are typical to my travel blog writing. But I think those are not for today. My guess is this blog will find a different format. Anyone who was read the other blogs – https://unfoldingworld.typepad.com/ourfamilyeverywhere or https://unfoldingworld.typepad.com/our_first_year_everywhere knows there's a certain set of formats or flows that characterize my narratives. I love them and they have become my genre. But just as the beginning of Our First Year Everywhere took a few weeks to settle into what became my signature approach, this blog too may develop in a new way. I'm not sure – just the sense of something coming.
I will say this – I had some many people (probably readers of this blog) text or call today that I felt very cared for and supported. On a very unusual journey, I did not feel alone. I walked through airports texting and talking. I sat on the plane fielding tons of messages. It helped and I thank the many of you I "spoke" to "today" or whatever it is.
Now that I'm finally showered and settled for the night at the Athens Novotel, it's time for some rest. Tomorrow we can talk Athens, the weather and how One Night in Athens is not at all the same as One Night in Bangkok.
