The other day, the kids were making fun of Daniel Tiger and Mr Rogers – saying they couldn't believe they watched those and what dumb shows they are. I told them that the shows are of course too young for them now, but Daniel Tiger and Mr Rogers are actually quite smart and sophisticated shows for small children. Fred Rogers pioneered the idea of talking to kids about their worlds rather than simply entertaining them. And what is a child's world if not emotional? Learning to understand and regulate emotions to match the world in which they're living is one of their primary and most difficult jobs. In fact, it remains a challenge throughout people's lives.
The beauty of watching an episode of Daniel Tiger or Mr Rogers as an adult is being able to appreciate exactly what Fred Rogers was doing and how timeless it is. An episode of Mr Rogers' Neighborhood from 1972 remains one of the least dated shows of its time – largely if not fully relevant to a child today.
For anyone who hasn't raised children in the past 11 years, the Fred Rogers Company had to figure out what to do without Fred Rogers and their answer was a flash-animated series starring Fred's favorite character, Daniel Tiger. Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood keeps the Neighborhood of Make Believe alive and features the children/nephews/next generation of the cast of puppets Mr Rogers operated himself. act episode centers around a theme or lesson – and that lesson has a short song, almost a phrase, it repeats whenever the lesson fits into the story. Ailyn used to sing these musical phrases all the time when appropriate in her daily life.
One of my favorite episodes is about having two feelings at the same time. You can be scared and excited to go on the roller coaster. You can be happy to go to your friend's house and sad to part with your parent. Your emotions can diverge and conflict – and that's okay – it's how life works.
This is a simple truth Daniel Tiger and his minions of preschoolers might be more aware of than most adults. Complex emotions are often uncomfortable. Many of us are smart and mature enough to identify and either dislike or even take shame in the irrational conflict of feelings we experience. Adult life makes us masterful at suppressing emotions that aren't useful in reaching our goals or that we rationally feel "shouldn't" exist.
I don't know if Daniel Tiger ever addressees this, but Should and Shouldn't age problematic words in themselves – something I realize increasingly as I get older. But that's for another time.
Divorce is an exercise in Daniel Tiger-style two feelings-at-the-same-time. In fact, it's really multiple feelings at the same time across many issues and situations. I see it on my kids when they say goodbye to one parent to go to the other – as they did last night. Or when they call the other parent, or the set of grandparents they talk to less depending on the parent they're with. I feel many feelings at the same time frequently – like compassion for Emily when she comes down with COVID the day before getting the kids back and yet the anger that also exists over all the ugliness in the divorce.
Sending my kids off to their grandparents' house because my summer custody is up – and they can't go to their mom's right now – is painful. It's been such a wonderful five weeks of uninterrupted time. It's how I can imagine life being with them all the time. I would be very happy with life with my kids and me. The thing I resent most about the divorce is losing 50% of my time with my children. And second-most is that life during the school year is lived in one-week cycles in which we never really settle into a groove the way we did these past five weeks.
I can also find it in myself to be happy about the next five weeks – a block of time to live a life for myself in a place I enjoy. To work on projects that matter such as continuing to work on the house and writing this blog. I hope to find more mental space to be imaginative, thoughtful and to find new perspectives. I can embrace the upside – even while resenting what I've lost.
Of course I don't want to resent anything – so my "should" voice steps in and wants to deny the feelings that don't serve me as I would like. I'm just not sure I can yet. It remains a conscious goal I expect will come to fruition on its own timeline.
No matter what I think or feel – the reality is the time to pass the kids along for their second half of summer break has arrived. All I can do is live – and I can do that in any way I want. So I'm going to embrace all there is to embrace – which in Patmos is a lot (hence why I bought a house there). I'm also going to make peace with the other feelings that exist. Maybe I won't give them center-stage. They don't get to drive. But Daniel Tiger and his maker, Fred Rogers are right that those feelings exist – and that's okay.
That's what brings me to LAX where I am right now, waiting for my flight to Newark and then on to Athens, where in turn I'll catch the ferry to Patmos. It's a familiar journey – although my first time doing it on United. I've been inherently wary of connecting through Newark and usually prefer a European carrier. But this time I'm using miles – and I'm usually happy with United flights. So here's hoping….
See you – and all my feelings – on the other side.
