Sour, Sweet, Bitter And Spicy

Sour, Sweet, Bitter and Spicy – these are the flavors of marriage in Chinese custom, and therefore the flavors that a groom and his groomsmen must experience as part of the "gate crashing" ceremony the morning of a wedding. The 9:30 am event was meant to symbolize the groom – with the help of his friends  - trying to kidnap the bride, getting caught and having to them prove himself to the bride's family as being worthy of marrying their daughter. Various tasks and challenges are involved as well as gifts of money in traditional red packets.

After a dance-off, a physical challenge and a having to pick which of many cards with lipstick kisses on them were in fact the bride's – and not those of her family or bridesmaids – Tony advanced to the Sour, Sweet, Bitter and Spicy Challenge. The three of us groomsmen were along with the ride. An ice cube man of lemon juice, a coconut sugar syrup and bites of bitter melon were all quite manageable for me, the final items knocked us all down a peg: Oreos filled with wasabi. Let's just say my stomach and sinuses still hurt when I think about it. 

After a tea ceremony in which various family members assented to the marriage by sipping cups of tea served to them – we proceeded to a delicious early lunch. The festivities were attended my Vanessa and Tony's families and the wedding party and broke after lunch for an afternoon to get ready for the wedding and be present at the Chijmes – the wedding venue – by 5:30 pm.

I was happy for the break because not only did I need to shave, shower and be ready in my suit on time, but I had another social engagement. At 3 am prior, my hotel door opened and my cousin Jacob came bounding into the room, suitcase in hand. He was wired and awake after his long flights from Los Angeles to Tokyo to Singapore. So we talked a bit and then both tried to get some sleep. By 7:30, I needed to get up and he was awake. Despite being a little tired, I hurried to prepare for the gate crashing ceremony so there would be enough time to for Jacob and I to walk and get a little breakfast before I headed off to the bride's house.

Thus, when the morning ceremony concluded, I hurried back to meet up with Jacob so we could walk Singapore and catch-up.

After a few good hours I prepped and headed off to the wedding.

First, a word about the venue. Chijmes is a former French abbey in the middle of central Singapore. Most of the grounds have been converted into a beautiful complex of restaurants and bars. Chijmes has some of the nicest restaurants in the city and is one of my favorite places for a sit-down meal. When I recruited foreign nurses from Singapore, I often took visiting American nurse manager clients there – it's an ideal place to entertain. While the dining establishments occupy the grounds and cloisters, the chapel was kept mostly intact as an event venue – unsurprisingly favored for weddings. Over my years and subsequent stays in Singapore I saw many couples standing in front of the Chijmes chapel taking their wedding photos and guests milling in and out. Chijmes is THE iconic wedding venue of Singapore – and was featured in Crazy Rich Asians.

When Tony first told me the would be scheduling the wedding for this December, I asked jokingly if it would be a Chijmes wedding. He informed that it in fact, would be. Shocked, I told him I can't believe we're having the Singaporean wedding of my dreams. 

My imagined splendorous, quintessentially Singaporean Chijmes wedding was exactly what unfurled. Beautiful, tasteful and accompanied with a lavish eight course Chinese banquet dinner, Tony and Vanessa had their night. COVID had not in fact stolen their dream. Moreover, the love and partnership between them was palpable as was the love of their families – and the two families' newfound warmth and regard for one another. Vanessa's family made sure to let Tony know how welcomed and part of them he now was. Tony's family showed warmth and gratitude for the fact that Vanessa's family offered Tony such love and support since Tony's family lives so far away. The two families had a number of genuine and warm moments.

Not only had a never been to a Chijmes wedding before – but I had also never been to the wedding of a Christian Chinese Singaporean to an Atheistic Technically Jewish Man Whose De Facto Mom (But Technically Stepmom Because His Birth Mom Died From Childbirth) Tried Raising Him Catholic For Awhile Until She Gave Up On That And Whose Jewish Grandma Made Sure He Had Sufficient Jewish Identity And Whose Siblings Are Not Jewish And One Is A Protestant Minister. This high atypical marital pairing left one with no real idea of what to expect. At one point there was going to be a Ketubah but due to an aunt with COVID and errors by FedEx, the Ketubah didn't arrive on time, relieving me of the role of explaining a Ketubah to a room of mostly Chirstian Chinese Singaporeans and laying to waste my one solid joke I had worked up to pitch them. I had even tested it out on a taxi driver who was slayed by it. I'll just keep that in my pocket for next time I'm asked to explain a Ketubah to a room full of Singaporeans.

One very key difference between a Chinese Singaporean wedding and an American one is dancing. This wedding had only a first dance for the couple and a father-daughter and mother-son dance. And that was it. So, when 10:00 rolled around, most of the guests got up, made the rounds and exited the premises, leaving just a core group left to kibbitz (the only remotely Jewish thing happening) until the Chijmes staff began staring us down. Then everyone went home.

In the end, it was a perfect wedding because from what I could tell, everyone got what they wanted out of it. The bride and groom who have been working in China and were isolated away from the world for so long were in a beautiful room of people who loved and celebrated them. Two families got to know one another and come together. Tony's ailing and elderly father made it to his wedding. Tony's family came to Singapore for the first time since Tony arrived here 16 years ago and Tony's mom recognized that this is where she would be coming to see future grandchildren if all goes well. She plans to return.

It was one of those special weddings you can walk out of with a warm heart and nothing but good things to say.

Tony's good friend Scott was one of the other groomsmen. He's a therapist who specializes in treating victims of trauma. Somewhere in the course of the evening he mentioned one of the keys to a trauma patient's success is them coming to recognize they can have two feelings at the same time. Notably, Daniel Tiger teaches this to small children all the time.

Scott's comment was very helpful to me – because this was absolutely a night of feeling two feelings at the same time. I have nothing but love, warmth and celebration in my heart for Tony and Vanessa. At the same time, as they spoke their beautiful vows and laid out their wonderful hopes and visions for their future, I couldn't help feels knives in my heart. They talked about partnership, always being there for each other, take care of one another, weathering life's storms together as a team. I had that day, believed Emily's words and thought we were those partners. But we're not. So while my heart beamed for Vanessa and Tony, it slowly bled all over the the floor around me. I just breathed.

That's life. We sometimes feel two, or three, or ten feelings at the same time.

Luckily for me, when it was all over I came back to my hotel room, gift boxes of macarons in hand,  to find s snoring cousin passed out in his bed, reminding me I have people who show up for me and there are new adventures ahead.