The Inner Committee has been in session for days breaking only here and there for rest. There's so much to figure out and the issues so complex – the outcomes so grave. How can they not take it seriously?
In fact, they weren't supposed to meet at all – this is their break between sessions. But an emergency meeting was called for no reason other than intelligence has dwindled and Leadership became anxious.
The Inner Committee is what our couples therapist cleverly calls the function of our internal anxious thoughts and conversation as we work through confusing issues. My goal has been to give the Inner Committee a rest as I use yoga and this blog as ways to sort through the issues and feelings. In fact, so much ground has been covered in this blog, so many issues explored and addressed, the Inner Committee was on hiatus for some time.
Then came Friday. Emily has mostly been calling me on Fridays to catch-up. She didn't this past one. In and of itself, it was no big deal. It's not like much happens in those conversations and I'm letting her drive the communication. After all, this time is about us getting a break – and for her that especially means not talking about issues. For all intents and purposes, less is probably more.
On Saturday, I couldn't reach the kids in their morning as I always do. Finally, I texted Alex and Emily to see what had happened. No response for quite some time. Eventually, Alex texted back with a video of the kids sledding down sand dunes at the beach in Oxnard. I assumed Emily was sleeping in and put Alex on duty and he decided to do something fun with them – he's great with doing fun, outdoor things. Alex has many wonderful qualities, but remembering to have the kids do things – like call me – at a certain time isn't one of them. He is 21 and Italian(ish)…. He texted they would call when they took a break for lunch. Fair enough.
Lunchtime came and went. I usually go to bed around 2:30 PDT (12:30 am here), so I texted again around 2pm/12am and after awhile, Alex asked if I could call his phone. I FaceTimed his phone and he was in the passenger seat of Emily's car, Emily driving, kids in the back coming back from the beach. I talked with the kids. Sennen has a particularly sandy butt – which was important for him to convey. Ailyn had a great time and plenty to say – though she had either fared better with the sand, or was less concerned with it. Emily had taken a yoga-on-the-beach class while the kids played under Alex's supervision. I've heard her talk about wanting to do this for months and she finally did it – which made sense.
After getting off the call, the Security Council became concerned. If Emily was there, why hadn't she prompted the kids to call in the morning? She's all about schedules and time. And how did lunch come and go without a call either. Was this a sign of what could be ahead? Emily having plans for the kids and being busy – and blowing me off/shutting me out from my kids?
That's when the Inner Committee was recalled from their recess – and they got right to work. Some members suggested I email Emily a concerned note, but they were overruled by the majority. Still, understanding the gravity of the situation, the Inner Committee worked through the night giving me fevered dreams and clenched hands. I woke up feeling the worst I had since departing for Greece. It wasn't until I went for my laptop to start yoga that additional evidence became available. Alex and Emily had both tried calling on FaceTime. Missed calls showed on my laptop, but for some reason, they had not registered on my phone. Usually calls appear on both and I can answer on either. The phone was with me while the laptop was actually in sleep mode on the kitchen table. They had made an honest attempt to get in touch. Why they didn't text, I'm not sure – but that's perhaps expecting too much. They called six times. I was pleased that majority had voted not to email.
With this additional information, it would have seemed the Inner Committee's work was done and it could return to its recess. Apparently, Leadership allowing them to adjourn is more of a permission and not an order. The Inner Committee has a high degree of autonomy. Not yoga, the beach, reading, or a movie could distract or dissuade it.
Perhaps what the Inner Committee needed was to finish processing what had happened? Clearly they were concerned about uncertainty – yet at a time everyone knew was smack in the middle of an uncertain period. This isn't time for conclusions – and while it at first looked like perhaps Khruschev had blinked, it turned out there were never missiles anywhere near Cuba. Couldn't we, in diplomatic terms, go back to the status quo ante?
I decided to write yesterday's blog post – The Price Tag Of Divorce – to process a lot of the issues the Inner Committee had identified and become concerned about. They relaxed, but didn't adjourn and I woke up to them definitely still in session. I did a particularly challenging yoga class – which can help the Inner Committee realize they ought to just adjourn. Still, not quite. I realized the reason they can't quite let go is the lack of any new intelligence. When trying to imagine what may be happening – or more importantly, what the future might hold – they're not just down to reading tea leaves, but there are very few of those.
Finally, I had to bust in on them.
"Look guys, there's no new information. The situation wasn't as bad as we had imagined. And we knew there wouldn't be anything to do or decide at this time. Can you PLEASE adjourn already?! Let me enjoy my yoga bliss and some chickpeas overlooking Petra Beach? For God's sake, it's a chickpea day!"
And just like that, the Inner Committee stopped. I THINK they are finally adjourned. We'll know more in the coming hours. I can at least happily report enjoying my Flisvos chickpeas in peace.
If any of that sounds exhausting, one thing I've learned in the past year and eight months is that my Inner Committee is about the size of the Cabinet – Emily's is more like the United Nations. She often doesn't show it, but her Inner Committee fights like the Taiwanese Parliament where it's not unheard of for things to come to fisticuffs. Mine works a little more like the British War Cabinet.
I suppose all of us are really headed into the unknown everyday. Usually, we wake up with an idea of what our lives look like and if they are in flux, if there are issues at hand – we assume we know what they are. I can worry about what will happen with my marriage and family – you might be concerned whether or not your car will be ready from the mechanic on time. Or how to pay a bill. Or to solve that issue you're having with your computer. Or to resolve last night's argument your spouse or kid. Or it's another day of worrying about a loved one's health – which is beyond any offer control except to try to jockey for the right doctor or hospital and hope something works out.
Of course, in these giant uncertainties, we still take for granted that the certainties of the scope of our problems. We can't predict the unforeseeable. The accident, the heart attack, the letter from the IRS, the novel virus, the hurricane, the unexpected invasion of an unsuspecting country.
Our sanity comes from a special denial – the ability to decide the myriad things that can and even might happen either won't – or aren't a problem today. In order to live a healthy life, we sometimes have to disband the Inner Committee, which if it really got going, could continue forever with its investigations, sparking further concerns, problem solving and discussion.
To be happy in my life, I have to decide that I will get from home to work without an accident. No one will call me today with terrible news about their health or finances. My devices will all work. So will the Internet and cell service. There won't be a natural disaster. I won't become unemployed. There are enough constants that the problems with my marriage are the worst problems I have. If I can address those, I'm okay. My life has an outer limit to what can befall me – and a path to stability. What's the name of that book? How Do You Eat An Elephant? One Bite At A Time. In order for that to work, the elephant can't be growing – or changing into a Blue Whale.
I've come to believe that anxiety especially plagues the empowered. People with agency and education have some of the most active and intense Inner Committees. If you believe first, that your choices can and will affect the direction of your life and secondly, that you have the capacity to sort through things and find the answer if you can just crack the code – then you have a lot to worry about. So much rides on you, what you think and the choices you make.
In America and much of the Western World, our trappings have only furthered our belief in ourselves. Besides having immense liberties and freedoms with limited communal and social systems or norms to support us in times of need, we are individualistically empowered with our devices and high speed communications. I can run banking transactions from Greece on my phone. It takes me two minutes and I can be anywhere at any time. I am incredibly empowered – and it means I also have a lot of responsibility. I can't go on vacation and be reasonably excused from anything. In a ten minute span, I can check the weather to figure out how to dress, check the news, catch up on my emails and respond to five text messages from different people who are all expecting prompt replies. I am highly efficacious – and it comes with weight.
Is that good or bad? Who's to say? I think it's trade-offs.
However, I can feel much more certain it brings tremendous anxiety and that Inner Committees are meeting throughout the world right now. Are they helping? Sometimes. Are they hurting? Also, sometimes. I just know I don't think mine isn't helping me at this time. So I'll be doing my best to keep my inner committee in recess. I suggest you do the same.
