A friend of mine from high school who is not "outwardly" gay came out toward the end of college. He told me once that a difficult part of being gay meant coming out over and over again throughout his life. It was something I had never considered and stuck with me.
While not the same thing, I have heard his words in my head as I share with people that I'm going through a divorce. I have to tell person after person – especially anywhere I've ever been with Emily or as a family.
A therapist I know recently told me how many of her clients won't go to this restaurant, that vacation destination or a particular cafe to avoid the memories and pain of former relationships. Returning solo to a place where you were coupled has its challenges.
In the course of our divorce – more or less – Emily got the house and the schoolyard, I got Temple and Patmos. While I miss the house and the old neighborhood, I'm okay with the distribution. I have two small houses (sure I rent the one in Thousand Oaks, but it's pretty unique and cool) – and one is in Patmos.
At the same time, Emily and I came to Patmos for the first time during our 'round-the-world-year-long-honeymoon and stayed for a month we liked it so much. We came back with the first baby and then for an entire summer with two kids and an au pair. For all the Patmians who came to recognize us, I'm part of a unit. Only now I'm here alone. Some people knew why I was here alone the Spring of 2022 - they don't ask.
For everyone else, the questions arise. First it was where was Emily? Now it's where are the kids? Either way, I have to explain. Each time it's uncomfortable. I see the look of sadness, sympathy, embarrassment for asking the question or confusion wash over people's faces. I never know if it's because divorce doesn't seem terribly common on little, conservative Patmos, that they picture me as part of a couple/family unit, or just pure empathy. I think it also isn't so culturally appropriate to pry and sometimes they feel like they inadvertently stepped in it.
Once in awhile someone "gets it" – like the lady who runs the really great pie bakery who married a Patmian, moved to Patmos, had a kid, divorced him, claimed her own place in the community and raises her son as a single mom. She didn't bat an eye and probably put two and two together as to why I was here Spring 2022 when I bought a lot of lunches from her. Christos, an older man who owns Cafe Mostra in front of the house doesn't speak much English so I used Google Translate to answer his question as to where the kids' mom was. In the blink of an eye, he managed to communicate somewhat zealously, in a "man to man" vibe that I was better off with my freedom and can enjoy my life. Interesting insight into Christos' world….
Michaelis whose family owns the laundry and his wife (the cutest young couple on Patmos) asked after the kids. He knew why I was here in Spring 2022 and he and I check in with each other – his mom is slowly losing a long battle with cancer (a situation it seems like everyone on the island tracks if you ever mention it). When I told them I took the kids home and am back for another five weeks, Michaelis said, "Good, now you can rest. This is important."
Michaelis is one of my favorite people on Patmos for many reasons including his incredible positivity and his mixture of seriousness and daring. One minute he warns about the importance of an emergency water pump for my front lawn in case too much rain should ever cause a plumbing backup into my kitchen and the next moment loads packs of clean laundry onto his scooter which he jumps down a set of stone steps in order to shortcut to the front of town.
Patmos has a strong culture of involved, active fathers and grandfathers – so my time here with the kids was noticed and appreciated by the community. It has been amazing how many people have asked after the kids in the past two days. Better yet, I have received numerous unsolicited comments about how much people like my kids – even before I took them home.
"Your kids win for best kids of the summer! Look at them, they are so cute the way they play together all day in the water. It's amazing! Good job!" the man who oversees the lounge chairs at Atmos on Campos Beach came up to me to say.
"I love your kids. They are perfect. They come in here so politely, order, pay and enjoy. They are very good kids," Andreas, the owner of Marechiara Gelato told me last week.
The lady with the linens shop in the middle of town, the cosmetics store lady, Stefanos, Christina, Stelios, every staff member at Stelios' shop, the owner of Yiamas restaurant, the pie bakery lady, Coach Thanasis' father and sister… the list goes on and I'm on my second day back.
Maria who sold me the house kindly checked in on me by text. She loves that I brought the kids here for it to be their summer getaway like it was for her boys – and that it's a place of healing for all of us and for me. She told me to enjoy the time to myself - that Patmos is a place to heal.
That's not just her opinion. Patmos is known to be spiritual. St John wrote Revelations here. People have written books about what a healing place it is and the peace the find on Patmos. Perhaps that's what's always drawn me here. First Bali, now Patmos – islands of healing and spirituality.
Aside from working on the house – making it my own – I'm not sure exactly how I'm supposed to engage in my healing. Perhaps it's just time and being. It doesn't take much to have a good day on Patmos and at this time of year, there is always the beach – or really one of many great beaches. I can always find myself at peace on the beach and in the vivid blue waters of Petra.
I've noticed, interestingly enough, a fair number of single women travelers – often middle-aged or older. It's not unusual to see a foreign woman dining alone or at the beach by herself. There's a certain Eat Pray Love vibe to it – or at least that's how I perceive it. In summer of 2019, we had a neighbor for several weeks who was a single, 40-something Finnish nurse on vacation alone. She came off very empowered and happy in her own company. There seem to be others like her floating around.
I haven't yet noticed the male equivalent of her, other than me. Who knows – maybe I just haven't been noticing? Either way, I'm tasked with finding my place in Patmos without Emily, my mom or my kids. It's different than Spring 2022 when it was off-season and the island was so quiet. It's different than when I was alone, in my little one-bedroom apartment on the hill, overlooking Aspri Beach Aegean doing yoga, working and happy to spend time in my own world. Now it's summer in Patmos – a thing not to be missed. The sun, breeze and sea beckon. What point is being inside (other than for an air conditioning break)? the island is full of life and it demands everyone come out and join in it.
Maybe that's the path of healing – simply listening to the island? Maybe it's okay not to know where I fit in and how things will be, but to just go outside, take awkward steps and find places to be? I've thrown myself into somewhere and something so familiar under such different circumstances and I dove in head first. Now is the time to find out what that really means beyond ordering furniture and figuring out the yard. I did it in Bali. I was single and very comfortable in my own skin in Bali. Only I had no past to contend with – no way I was known prior. And Bali is full of single travelers in their 20's. I'm not in my 20's and Patmos is not the backpacker destination Bali is.
Patmos is more sophisticated and mature – like I am now. Life isn't as simple as Bali. Still, Patmos isn't terribly hard either. Bali was a dreamy, perfumed mystery – a place with magic and richness than seduced me. Patmos is no seductress and she doesn't seem to deal in mysteries. However, Patmos is layered and has an undeniable energy that led me to want a piece of it for myself. Patmos has thousands of years of history – it has known the hearts of men, women and donkeys. It made room for Emily and I as newlyweds, then welcomed our family. Last year, Patmos gave me shelter in the storm of my life and allowed me to put my thoughts and feelings in order to step back into the world ready to handle what came next. What happens on Patmos this five weeks? What will my place and identity be – to others and myself? I suppose that's what I'm here to find out.
