"I think our island is like a virus. Some people catch the virus and they love it and come back again and again. I think you have caught that virus!" Dimitris said.
I think he's right. It's hard to imagine Patmos not being in my life – I feel sure I'll return many more times.
"Patmos is strange because it really is like a Cycladic island put right in the middle of the Dodecanese. In the Cyclades, all the islands are like this – white houses everywhere. But here in the Dodecanese, none of the other islands [except Lipsi] look like this. Kos, Leros, Kalymnos, Rhodes, Samos – none of them look or feel anything like Patmos," George the property managed explained.
George quit his job as a bank executive to manage higher-end properties on Patmos. Why?
"Because I hated banking and finance. I wanted to live my life. There is no life in banking. The banks were always deciding to do one thing, and then changing to do another. At first it's invest in hotels, hotels, hotels – then it's get out of hotels and into something else. There's no joy in it either. And then there were these strategy guys would come in and sit in meetings looking down at their Blackberries (at the time) and looking important. And I said to one, 'Come on, man! This is a Greek bank. If you want to be that important guy, go to New York. But no one's doing that here.'"
When George worked it out to manage a few of a friend's properties here on Patmos, he decided to make a business of it and now has a full portfolio. It doesn't pay what he made in banking, but he's a lot happier.
"You have to live your life! Here, no matter what I stop at 3:00 and spend two hours at the beach paddle boarding or reading – or whatever. You have to take that time for yourself."
George who is from Athens and returns there most of the off-season said he chose Patmos both because he loved the island but because it has the nicest people of any island he's ever been. Now he knows them all and feels welcomed. He did offer one warning:
"Never talk about any of them to anyone. They all know each other and even if you think you're secret is safe, it's not. It will make its way to whoever you talk about. I learned that the hard way. Now, I talk about no one."
I actually didn't need George to figure out that one. From our first visit here, we picked that up from Nicholas who knows everyone, doesn't like some of them, but is kind to all of them. Coming from a longstanding, land holding Patmian family, he knows how the game is played. When Emily and I looked at houses in 2019, we went to Nicholas for our "background checks" – he always had an opinion on who to do business with and who to avoid.
It's easy to imagine that if Emily and I divorce and if I get my three-month blocks of custody trade-off, that I could spend those blocks in different places. The idea of coming back here frequently sounds fantastic and I occasionally think about what that might look like. Would I want to just call up George and work out an off-season deal for one of the apartments where I'm staying like this time? Would I Airbnb whatever's around? Or would I want to buy a place I could come to – maybe with the kids sometimes – and just turn the key when I show up?
Buying real estate always comes with risks and doing so in another country is even more complex and risk-filled. So, I think about it more whimsically than seriously – although I think of my dream house often. The big appeal would be having a place that's mine in a place I love. Last week I came across a small house – just under 1000 square feet – with two bedrooms, one bath for about $160,000. The exchange rate is so favorable right now that the same house might cost $180,000 or $200,000 at another time. According to the information, it had structural renovations last year and is in good shape, but aesthetically, I would want to do some things with it: new kitchen counters and cabinets, new shower, different furniture, etc. The house is in the least exciting neighborhood of Skala with no real view except up to the monastery, although the roof can be used as a patio/deck and that could add a lot of charm and fun. Nonetheless, it's something I could pay for from our HELOC and if I treated it like a mortgage and factored in some money for remodeling, it would be monthly payments on either side of $1,000 a month. Definitely a more affordable housing option than most places I could find.
It's extremely premature and not necessarily a good idea for numerous reasons – but it has a certain appeal.
I think about what else I might do with three-month blocks of time when I'm not the primary parent. I could avoid getting a place of my own and take each three-month block as it comes. Airbnb could become my home. Maybe sometimes I would stay close to home. Other times, I could get a place in the Azores or Buenos Aires. I could return to Patmos or spend a season on the Cote d'Azur – one of the other places that makes my heart sing. Perhaps I could try out Porto or Lisbon – or a sojourn in Switzerland or Brazil? I could pay a lot less for many of these than an apartment near our Westlake Village home.
So long as I'm working my current job – or really most any stateside job – Asia seems off the table. That doesn't mean I didn't price renting a house in Bali – which thanks to COVID is cheaper than ever with luxurious options for two and three bedroom homes with pools and views in great locations on either side of $1000 per month. All of this is still so much more than when I paid $3,600 a YEAR for my old house – but it's been 16 years now….Besides, these houses are newer and I'll bet the internet works a lot better and the electricity more stable than back in 2004-2006. Back then a 2 mbps connection was doing pretty well and I relied on dial-up at my house during the first six months.
Just looking at houses in Bali reminded me of the nights. Bali has warm, dark heavy nights where air perfumed by flowers wraps around you. Night at a house in the rice field outside Ubud was real night – with giant starry skies and a sense of being so far from anything resembling hustle. Often chanting from the ceremonies in nearby villages mixed with frogs in the rice fields and geckos calling to one another from the roofs provided a soundtrack capable of transporting one back in time – erasing modernity and making it easy to imagine Bali of 20, 50, 100, 250 years ago – because these things probably didn't vary that much (except in the tourism-overrun southern part of the island). Bali didn't get consistent electricity and phone lines until the 1980's and there are still villages in the north without municipal water, instead relying on wells and the centuries' old aqueduct system.
There is nothing like a Bali night here on Patmos or most anywhere else I listed. Could I occasionally go back to that?
What about the way Singapore – only one degree above the equator – never feels bustling despite its population density and the way the clouds settle slow and sweat the city until you would just kill for the rain to break and release the heat? Better to be drenched than sweated. Maybe there will again be a time for that?
I've come to realize that I could mourn being with my kids only half as much. I could live in the pain of the shadow of my divorce. I could let "dealing with my ex-wife" be an annoying and ubiquitous part of life as it is for many divorcees. Or I can figure out new and better ways to live my life. I could find things that fill me up and give me hope. I might have to do so despite resentment – or maybe with certain people not fully understanding or supporting it. Or not. You never know who will surprise you for better or worse.
It would be especially great if I could sometimes get the kids in summer and take them places. How amazing it could be to have half my time with them each year involve seeing the world and experiencing new places.
Another thing this trip has highlighted for me is how great this schedule is working. From wake-up at 8:45 until 4pm when my official work hours begin, I have time for yoga, errands, lunch and writing. Then there's work from 4 to midnight during which I also make dinner. Renting gets rid of a number of homeownership issues that regularly drip into life at home. Errands take a half hour on foot and the the butcher goes to grab what I want when I walk in the door. I rarely get to go out to lunch at home – I do it everyday here. But best of all, I'm writing daily and producing something I like. I often imagine what else I could do with time like this if I wasn't writing a blog about my separation. There could be other writing and projects I could accomplish. Half of my year could be highly productive with stuff that really matters to me. I also have time read – especially on weekends – and I'm better rested. If I'm not going to have the kids for half the days of the year anyway – then why not produce meaningful work?
Initially, my desire to arrange custody in large blocks was more about ensuring Emily and I are no longer so intertwined. As I've said before, I don't want to be left with just the unenjoyable parts of my marriage – trying to agree on which activities the kids should do and working through coordinated schedules and obligations. I'm quite sure those are the parts Emily will want to keep – my involved day-to-day support. Those are the things I don't want. I could do without discussing whether or not they need to go to this birthday party or that baseball game. I don't want to have conversations about how we should address whether or not to let Sennen walk to the park by himself or what to do if Alex doesn't enforce screen time limits the way he should. These are the main things we're communicating about today. How about we each tackle these critical issues on our own parenting time?
Now, after eight weeks here on Patmos, I'm starting to see how my non-parenting time could look. Instead of having extra time to watch TV or read – or get caught up on errands – I could do work I've always wanted to do. I could see places I've always wanted to go – or enjoy places that are nurturing favorites. I could enhance language skills, reduce errands, see people who matter and grow as a person. Wouldn't it be nice to have Ziv meet me on Patmos or Conlan and I to finally go to the Azores? Maybe I could push myself to develop a social circle in Southern France? Perhaps that could in turn provide material to write or inspire an idea for a project that I would find meaningful? Or maybe it could be going to Portland to spend time with my friends Alex and Conlan who each live there?
Could there be a world where I solve one set of problems with something that simultaneously elevates me? Could I turn something tragic into something fulfilling? While I am loathe to see divorce as a good thing – perhaps if push comes to shove it can be made into one? If I can't keep my kids from having their family split, could I instead give them my best for half the year and go make myself even better the other half? Which I could then bring back to them later?
I know there's nothing new in what I'm writing here – maybe more my tone and perspective. Maybe I'm moving along the stages of grief and starting to dance on Hope at times?
Of course, all of this depends on what I can negotiate at home. Then again, I don't have to accept a deal I don't want to live with. There may be reason to believe I can make something acceptable to me work out. I don't have to sell myself short due to fear and anxiety. I could stand up for my worth and get an arrangement with which I can live.
So much remains to be seen. Still, it feels good to know there is something waking up inside of me. An idea that there are many ways to live life and maybe something that can balance me and my kids. Maybe there's a new happiness to be found – a different way to grow?
I still don't know if I would choose this over reconciliation on acceptable terms. Part of me is very grounded in keeping vows, trying again, keeping our family together if it can be done in a healthy way. Marriage is hard and I'm not one to preemptively abandon it. But if it can't be done? Well, then there's something I think I could embrace. From this time on Patmos, I'm getting the impression my kids could accept it as well as any other post-divorce option. One possible benefit is them seeing their father pursue himself rather than curl up, grin and bear it.
Nothing is done, but at the end of the day, I can start to imagine being okay to let go of my prior expectations and instead of being racked with pain and guilt, open up to something new. Maybe involving a 1000 sq foot house in Skala in need of some love – maybe not.
